12.16.2015

Steak Cooking Instructions Inspire Fierce Dick Measuring

I wonder if the article of this Sploid article detailing how to cook a steak had any sense of what they were about to inflict on the world. Surely they had, as everyone who's ever written something that will be read by people in the internet has had, a vague sense of foreboding. Because it's a weird rule of humanity that if something is on the internet, and that thing has an option to comment on it, you can guarantee some assholes are going to show up and voice increasingly horrific things about and directly to each other. Regardless of your content.

Some places are better than others, and each site's comments section has its own particular flavor of bleak nihilistic horror. And as a Gawker site, Sploid is no stranger to the usuals: racism, homophobia, whiny "WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS" tumblrina types, people who have no stake in any of it but have decided to feel offended on behalf of some person or group who's not actually present, etc. 

But even knowing all that and despite my jaded indifference to life at large and most of the shit I find on the internet, I was downright impressed at the amount of anonymous e-peen measuring going on in a article about cooking a fucking steak. I guess it's sort of relevant, so the gist of the article is: salt and pepper it, sous vide it (aka boil it in a bag), then sear the outside.

You can agree or not that this would make a good streak. I don't give a shit either way, to be honest. But these people do:
Christ, How to waste 2 hours cooking a steak.
Fuck Sous Vede, it’s just there for twee chefs who don’t trust their kitchen staff to cook meat and fish properly.
Fair enough. You don't like sous vide.

You think I hover around a bucket of warm water for 2 fucking hours? I have better things to do while the sue vee’d is vee’ding. Like drink a shit ton of beer and smoke a cigar.
Lighten up, Francis and have a cool one.
Fair enough. You like sous vide.

Fire good, Cooking with an aquarium heater bad.
Hot take! 

oh fire is good. very good. and you use plenty of it after suevid for delicious maillard reaction
Awwww, shit! Busting out culinary terms while condescending to someone who disagrees? This will surely end the conversation!

That’s adorable, but you run along, the grownups are talking.
DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO OUT-PATRONIZE ME, FELLA!

Sous vide! You’re high.
Fair...
I really wish we could downvote posts like yours.
Ouch.

Agree, way too much work. Boil-in-a-bag steaks! Hipsters...
Yeah, you can get better edge-to-edge even doneness without getting gray toward the faces, but you can accomplish that with a cast iron pan in the oven.
You don’t miss much and get an awesome steak on a charcoal grill. I do mine 5 mins a side for a standard Costco Prime ribeye. 10 mins total and you’re done.
You hear that, you bag boiling hipster trash?! REAL MEN COOK ON A GRILL.

Oh, and by the way - keep rotating that steak every minute or so to get a nice even crust. That’s how the top steakhouses do it. Cross-hatched grill marks with gray colored meat between the hatch marks is for Sizzler and poseurs.
If you really need 10 minutes to cook your steak on a grill, you really don’t know what the hell you are talking about and aren’t using enough heat.
IF YOU CAN'T COOK A STEAK IN UNDER 45 SECONDS YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
Oh I don’t know “what the hell I’m talking about”?
Here it comes...
Actually....most of the top steakhouses use sous vide...but good job trying to sound like a grown up
BURN! I think? 
I've worked in top steakhouses bro. We sous vide.
Well that's as close to verifiable fact as we're gonna get, right?
Hmm, 4-5 mins a side for 1.5” thick and it comes out a perfect medium rare with a great crust every time. I must be really dumb to enjoy such a steak, huh?
So why don’t you tell me what’s correct then, expert? I guess if you use “enough heat” to cut that time right down you must enjoy a charred outside and rare inside, known as “black and blue”. Well good for you then.
Well since you asked...

Here’s the flash news for you: if you know what you’re doing, it doesn’t take 10 minutes and it isn’t burned.
But again, it requires not being clueless and an idiot.
So yeah, I can see how you're struggling with the concept since you're SO DUMB.

"If your steak is lean" Eat something else. Anything else. Here, eat this gravel, while I eat a real steak.
Everyone's an expert on everything!

High heat is for chumps. Always. When grilling, there are two magic words: “low” and “slow.”
Chumps! You hear me? CHUMPS!

lol sure. Ask any person who knows anything about cooking and the first thing they’ll tell you: you need heat. Seriously, just go watch the first YouTube video about cooking steak that you’ll find.
You want high heat and then you want the steak to rest.
I guess you also slow cook your pizzas.
Ask ANYBODY, you pizza-slow-cooking monster!

Well since I don’t cook a pizza on a fucking Weber over charcoal...

Dude, just fuck off already. You like your steaks black on the outside and cold on the inside. You’re allowed! I don’t. I’m allowed! You’re like my grandfather, who only drove on the roads that existed before the freeways were built. We’d get the same place, taking a different route is all. Enjoy your steak.
I love this one. This is the ultimate internet cop-out, where the person is too tired to continue but can't just say "I give up." He's like a deer with his antlers locked in combat against another male, gasping for wind, so he's just gonna paint some weird strawman bullshit about how everyone's entitled to enjoy burnt steak. "Hey we disagree on gun control sure, I'm entitled to think people should be responsible and you're entitled to think Hitler did no wrong."

No I like me steak medium. You invented the part about black and blue.
Doesn’t change that you need heat for correctly coming a steak and not “slow and low”. This is so ridiculous. Please go educate yourself buddy.
Yeah go back to steak school. Buddy.

You can most definitely cook a steak in 10 minutes on a grill. Not everyone wants their’s well done.
I love this guy's (I keep saying "guy" but they could be women, I guess, but come on let's be honest with ourselves) complete misfire on the argument, and the fact that he thinks 10 minutes is on the low end of cooktime. Maybe someone will come along to educate him...

I was saying the opposite. Literally. If you take 10 minutes to cook a simple steak, you are either overcooking it or not using enough heat.
Ah, there we go. Okay before we close this out, can we get ONE rational, measured response to the article?

Cooking meat in direct contact to an open flame is the most efficient way to develop pancreatic cancer.
Perfect.

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