10.16.2015

Badvertising: Titties and Cinnamon

I love cereal. I love it so much that I basically can't keep it in the house any more, otherwise I'll eat an entire box in a day. I love cereal so much I'll even wolf down bullshit like Rice Krispies or Wheaties, so don't even get me started on sugary crack like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It's like candy in a bowl.

But I think this latest ad is actually a concerted effort to get people to not like Cinnamon Toast Crunch any more:




So an ethnically-diverse trio of friends - including what I swore was a Latino Jack Black - are sitting around polishing off their cereal when blondie has the completely novel idea to drink her cereal milk. She immediately erupts into a vacant-eyed grin and stares off into space, so her friends decide they have to get in on that action.

And then all hell breaks loose.

In case you are completely out of touch (hi mom!) the song that follows is a parody of Kelis' "Milkshake," a song about shaking your tits and lamenting how that causes dudes to show up in your yard with a music video I definitely haven't masturbated to I swear, rewritten to be about the face you get when you drink the milk leftover from Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

And now the whole neighborhood's charging in to join the fun! What a kooky ad, haha! Wait a second...

"The milk always flows in Hell!"

Why is everyone getting a horrific rictus grin after eating this cereal? Is Cinnamon Toast Crunch a front for the Joker, like Acme Chemical? Someone get Batman on this shit! I mean look at this poor fucker:


I'm not even going to do a joke about what "mouth on fleek" means, because even thinking about that joke made me feel old. I don't know what on fleek means, everybody. Pop culture is slowly walking me out behind the shed to Old Yeller my advertising demographic and there's nothing I can do about it.

But we don't have time to discuss my steady decline, because it's time to stereotype some gay dudes!

Pictured: equality

I can all-but hear the director screaming, "No! GAYER!" at these guys. But they let them have a baby, because Cinnamon Toast Crunch is nothing if not progressive!


Okay, so it's not a REAL baby so much as a demonic mini-golem lip-syncing to Kelis and giving children nightmares, but you wouldn't even have gotten that much in the '90s. This really is social progress, kids! Let that sink in for a second. 

But not too long! This wouldn't be a commercial in the US without sexualizing SOMETHING. And that song about titty shaking is just too subtle. Whaddya got? 


Eh, that's vaguely sexual I guess. She's sort of cramming her mouth full at least. But we can do better!


Theeeeere we go. You think I'm kidding, but I would bet my 401(k) that in 12 years there will be open mics full of bearded white guys talking about how they jacked off to this. Okay, now we've already established we're not so great with "subtle," so how do we REALLY nail that this cereal is young and hip?


Selfie stick! BOOM! Nothing says hip like a selfie stick! These snot-nosed shits will be BEGGING mom to fill the grocery cart with Cinnamon Toast Crunch! Call it a day, boys! Let's head out for cocktails!

And later that night, after creative had gone home and the video intern was slicing together the ad, the EVP of Cinnamon Crunchiness snuck into the editing bay.

"Hey," he said in a breathless whisper while slipping the intern a crisp $100 bill, "tack on a little something at the end just for Daddy."

"Oh I know just the thing," the kid grinned:




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