5.06.2015

Domo Arigato, Mr. Robearto

I don't have a funny intro, so let's get right to the point: 

Japanese engineers built a smiling robot bear that can crush your bones and will murder you. If you want it to.


It's called "Seppukuma," which translates to "Suicide Bear" and is unfortunately NOT at all related to the Suicide Girls. It's designed to help patients who want to end their life do so with the grace and dignity that can only come from a giant plastic bear with a painted on smile.


"Just relax. The bear will snap your spine in 3, 2, 1..."

I wholly support patients' right to choose to end their lives if they are suffering. It boggles my mind that somehow individuals were deemed unfit to control their own life that way. I think people who object to this tend to think of these patients as suicidal or melodramatic people who if they could only snap out of it would realize how big and beautiful life is. 

And life is totally big and beautiful. You should enjoy every second you can. But eventually every single one of us, if we're "lucky" enough to not die in some catastrophic, instantaneous accident, will face getting old, sick, and infirm to the point where it may feel like life is just being maintained and not necessarily lived

And if I make it to that point, I might decide it's less of a pain in the ass to cash out. I don't know. I can't really declare that's going to be my intention because I won't know until I'm there. Maybe I'll chicken out and decide the catheter isn't too bad. That's for each person to figure out on their own.

But in the style of Japanese innovation, you just don't get one generic suicide option. You get a whole menu! Listen to this from I Fucking Love Science

SeppuKuma also offers 23 very different methods one can choose to end their life, including Everlasting Sleep (lethal injection), Pillow Kisses (suffocation), Peaceful Breath (helium asphyxia) and Sleepy time Hug which is where the robotic bear strangles its partner until their pulse stops for 15 minutes.  All of these attributes enable the SeppuKuma to give it’s patient the power to choose how they get to end their own life. 

Are you kidding? Does McDonald's even offer 23 options any more? That's fantastic! I wonder if you can combine them into some sort of suicide sampler and go for the Full Rasputin. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by choice and I just want a little bit of everything, you know? And is there a Mortal Kombat fatality option? Just imagine a smiling robot bear doing this to an elderly Japanese man:




Worth the Obamacare premium, right? We need to get this technology stateside, and stat. Just think of all the possibilities, none of which could be negative, once we create an army of smiling, unblinking robot bears capable of crushing human bone with their grip and programmed to understand that ending human life is the most compassionate thing they can do!

2 comments:

tater said...

If you change your mind after the onset of the Sleepy Time Hug are you allowed to tap out? Or does suicide bear become murder bear at that point? I see myself panicking and wanting out of the bear death grasp.

Randall Cleveland said...

Yeah I've gotta say Sleepy Time Hug sounds worse than "Loving Dick Punch Until Death."