3.02.2015

I Owe You All an Apology

Ladies and gentlemen, assorted members of the press, thank you all so much for coming. I must admit, I did not expect my press release to garner so much attention, but I suppose part of the reason we’re all here is that I have repeatedly underestimated the media’s attention to my affairs.

Right. Let me cut straight to the point then. I would like to apologize to everyone: my family, my friends, my fellow competitors, and the public at large. The simple truth is I misled you all when I said that I was the winner of the 1978 Wild Willy’s Wing Ding Wing Eating Contest.

I did in fact attend the contest, and was one of the competitors. However I misremembered my performance day. I did not actually win by eating 47 “Kamikaze Suicide Spicy” wings in under three minutes. The actual contest rules, as noted on the sauce-stained napkin acquired by CBS, state that participants were to consume seven (7) of the afore-mentioned wings in under two minutes.

Further, when the left-leaning magazine Wing World Weekly questioned some points of my story, I reacted poorly. I should not, in retrospect, have called them "cum-guzzling shit goblins hellbent on ruining all that is good on this earth." They were just doing their jobs, and for that I apologize. It is only through diligent reporting and fact checking like that exhibited by Wing World Weekly that the citizens of this great country can hold their politicians and celebrities accountable.

So let me just state for the record that I was not at the 1978 Wild Willy's Wing Ding Contest. It seems I misremembered that when I was correcting my previous misremembrance just 70 seconds ago. It has recently come to my attention that I was not even born yet, and thus could not have attended in any capacity. I regret the error, and appreciate several people on Twitter correcting me. Most notably @TitsMagoo, @BaronVonStretch and @CNN.

I do really enjoy eating hot wings, though, and hope that we can move past this youthful indiscretion and enjoy some together.

I apologize, I was misremembering my enjoyment of wings. It has come to my attention that I have been a vegetarian for 17 years and in fact once renounced chicken wings as "the most shamefully cruel snack food of all." This was do to a misrememberance on my part that the chickens lived after their wings were harvested.

The important thing is that we've addressed this horrific scandal before it blew out of proportion, and now we can move on to other topics, like my duplicity in pushing America into any number of unwanted, fruitless, and criminal wars in the last 30 years.

No comments: