10 Easy Steps to Have the Worst Day Ever*

  1. Spend the entire night before wide awake.
    • Not just awake, but frantically trying to fall asleep in desperation. Be sure to get so furious at your inability to sleep that you rile yourself up even more. Then take a sleeping pill at 4 am so you can completely fuck your morning up.
  2. Get stuck in traffic.
    • Not the usual traffic, either. Make sure there are no fewer than two road construction crews, one lane-closing accident, and of course you'll need two psychotic assholes at different intervals to cut you off with no turn signal and immediately stop in your lane. Your normal 25 minute commute should clock in at right around 92 minutes.
  3. Bitch about it on Twitter.
    • This is critical, because while you're walking absent-mindedly and staring at your phone, you'll spill your coffee all over your sleeve.
  4. Forget your computer.
    • You know the one thing you need to take to work to be able to, like, work? Yeah. Leave that at home. But, and this is key: don't remember it until you get to your desk.
  5. Tell your boss.
    • But instead of saying decisively, "I'm going to work from home," or "I'm taking the day off so I don't murder you all in a blind rage," leave it vague enough that your boss can say, "See you soon."
  6. Get your hopes up.
    • So that when your boss says, "You know what I would do?" you can immediately begin fantasizing about going home and falling asleep in your bed and forgetting this whole disaster ever started. That way it cuts extra deep when he tells you, "Just roll down your windows, crank some tunes, and enjoy the ride," like some kind of low-rent Big Lebowski wannabe asshole.
  7. Get stuck in the same fucking traffic, going the other way now.
    • This is where you really lose all faith in humanity and the universe at large. Oh and a cunt in a Miata will cut you off here too. Gotta keep you on your toes!
  8. Get home and grab your computer.
    • This is where you cry softly to yourself for having such a shitty day while simultaneously hating yourself for letting such trivial bullshit bother you so much. THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO DO ANYTHING AND YOU ARE THE WORST AT ALL OF IT.
  9. Sit silently on the couch, staring at the floor for like 20 minutes.
    • Tell yourself you're waiting for traffic to die down while knowing all the while that you're actually debating whether to quit your job rather than face the highway again.
  10. Go back to work.
    • Nothing really cements the futility and hopelessness of human existence like having to go to work after all that bullshit.

*Not, like, an actual worst day ever where someone dies or you find out you have cancer or something. "Worst" as in the kind of day you bitch about on facebook or your shitty blog.

No comments: