2.03.2015

You can make a little money if you're willing to do some horrible things

When the headline popped up in my email, I did a double take:

You can earn $13,000 a year selling your poop

Surely this is some kind of scam, I thought as I excitedly clicked the link. But I could use an extra $13,000! Who couldn't?! 

And if I can get that $13k by selling something I'm literally flushing away every day, sometimes six or seven times a day (I eat a lot of red meat), then I'd be a fool not to! But first I had to verify that my turds would not be used for nefarious purposes or sinister gain. If a couple of sexual deviants want to rub doo doo on each other in order to reach climax, fine. But I don't want it being dropped from a drone onto someone in a far off country. I mean, not unless I get to push the button. Actually now that I think about it, I might pay $13,000 to drop my shit on someone from a drone.

But it turns out it's not nefarious at all. It's a place called OpenBiome and they want to take your poop and shove it up other people's butts. Actually, that sounds pretty fucking nefarious. That's like Human Centipede-level creepiness. Suddenly I had forgotten all about that 1998 Camry I was gonna buy and now I was terrified to leave my house on the off chance some psycho in a stained lab coat would tackle me and forcibly inject a stranger's shit into my butt. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WITH A REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED CONGRESS.

I guess they use it to help people who have lost their gut flora due to illness or antibiotics or whatever, but I kind of like the idea of people being pinned to the sidewalk and having a cake froster shoved in their rectum to delivery a poop slurry. At least they have a helpful chart:

"Be out in a minute honey, I'm saving lives in here!"



So I can save lives, make money, AND get the satisfaction that can only come from handing a stranger a container of my own shit? COUNT ME IN. What's the commitment we're looking at here?

Donors are expected to come by our lab at 196 Boston Avenue, Suite 1000, Medford, MA at least four times a week to make their donation during their donation window. When donors complete a 60-day collection window, they may continue to donate, but we ask that they again commit to a full 60 days. 

Yeesh. Four times a week for two months? And I poop in a window? I have a hard time finishing things when someone's in the same men's room. Do I have to do it on the spot, or could I bring it from home?

The donors are asked to collect around a “fistful” of feces in the morning and mix this in a blender with a saline solution. The mixture is poured through a coffee filter to get rid of any particles and stored in a plastic container in a cooler. It must be used within six hours of being created. 

So in order to make $13,000 I have to shit into my blender, whip it around with some salt water, and then fill my tupperware with it? I've seen I Love Lucy. I know how this ends.


"Oh god. We have to sell the house. Or burn it to the ground."

So I'm out. But hey, if you live near Boston and have a fetish for handing your poop to strangers but have always wondered how you could translate that into saving lives, this is the opportunity for you. Just listen to the success stories!

"Everyone thinks it's great that they're making money doing such an easy thing," Edelstein said, "But they also love to hear us say, 'Look, your poop just helped this lady who's been sick for nine years go to her daughter's graduation.'"
"Mom, I can't believe you made it!"
"Honey, I wouldn't miss this day for anything. I'm so proud of your hard work and studying that I had a stranger blend a poop smoothie and shoved it up my own ass just to be here!"
"Wow...you...you really didn't have to do that."

"Are you kidding? It's changed my life!"
"No, I mean...you didn't have to tell me that. Any of that."

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