2.25.2015

Now You Can Eat Russell Wilson's Balls

I know, I know: FINALLY. We've all waited for this day since that dreamy 5'10 touchdown machine breezed into Seattle with his squeaky clean Jesus shtick and the most annoying insurance commercials since the GEICO cavemen. 





Side note: who is the sadder individual, the person who said the Lowe's robot assistant was his new best friend, or the person furiously typing questions to the "Ask Russell" app to get canned responses like some weird insurance shilling version of Cleverbot?


Anyhoo, now he sells bread. Because of course a guy as controversial as toast has to sell bread. I guess it makes about as much sense as Citizen Watch thinking people would somehow want to identify with Eli "Cow-Eyed Fucktard" Manning. But this ain't your grandpa's bread! No sir! This is BALL BREAD!


Look at that dainty little bite mark. Even his bites are marketable.

Eat smart, feel good. Sorta like Subway's "Eat Fresh" slogan. Only in America would we convince ourselves that eating entire loaves of bread is the "healthy choice." But I know what you're thinking: This might be fine for FOOTBALL fans, but I don't even watch football! No problem, pal. Russell's got you as covered as a slant route at the goal line:

So many balls for you to eat! Just like after prom!

BAM! You like soccer? Soccer bread. You like basketball? Basketbread. You like volleyball? Volleybread. You like...wait what the fuck is that one in the back?



"Okay so the survey only got three responses but 33% of respondents want handball bread."

Well sure, you got...uh, handbread. I guess. Man, these guys are committed to ball-shaped bread if we're going far enough down the list to get HANDBALL. 

"Hmm I guess I'll check back in six weeks."

How the fuck was baseball bread not, like, number two on your list of bread balls? RUSSELL WILSON PLAYED BASEBALL. Really well! In college! He got fucking drafted by the majors! And you couldn't think to add the second most popular sport in America to your line of ball-themed baked goods? Or was the baseball-loaf-forming technology just not advanced enough? 

I do have to say it's sort of impressive to get that dimpling on a golf ball. Bread. Golf bread. Whatever. 

If this isn't a pancake filled with maple syrup you guys have fucked up. You'll never break into Canada now.

So that's a pretty fucking niche market, as far as markets go: people who enjoy sports so much that they want to eat bread shaped like sporting equipment. This is the sort of thing I'd expect to see laughed off of Dragon's Den

But of course it's healthy ball-shaped bread. FOR THE CHILDREN, YOU GUYS. PS "100% Natural Ingredients" is listed below "Unique Shape" under the bizarrely robotic-sounding "Product Benefits" tab. 


High-quality, natural ingredients! Free of any artificial substances and e-numbers! Oh and also a shit ton of salt. But you need that salt for a reason...


Because you can keep this shit frozen for a year! Think about how many times you've thought to yourself, man I wish I'd bought a loaf of bread and frozen it a year ago so I could eat it now. THIS IS PERFECT FOR YOU! 

Let's all take a moment to fully appreciate the sentence "Crunchy Eat the Ball is a delicious treat." That damn near broke my brain to read. 

I know, I know: "I don't even have kids, Randall! Why would I buy bread shaped like a leather ovoid?"

BRINGING BREAD BACK TO THE FRONT PAGES.

Who eats ball bread? Kids, young people, and TRENDSETTERS, mother fucker! Look for the Kardashians to be eating this shit on TV soon! The bread industry thought leaders are all munching on ball bread, and if you're smart you will too! Actually I would probably buy Kardashian ass-shaped bread once for the novelty, at least. 

And hey! It makes bread "a cool and exciting topic." 

"GUYS DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS BREAD?! IT'S SHAPED LIKE A BALL!"
"You are why I don't like to use public transportation."

So if you're in the market for a carb-heavy snack, you're easily swayed by celebrity marketing, and you're an unrepentant ball muncher, this is for you! 

It'll probably still taste bad, though.

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