I met God the other day. I’m not trying to brag or anything, but it happened. I was waiting for the bus and all of a sudden I was somewhere else. Somewhere white. It was like one of those really fancy car commercials where the car is just sitting there in a white room, and you can’t even see the walls or anything it just goes forever. I was in one of those car commercial rooms. And then I saw God.
He didn’t look like I expected God to look, but he told me he gets that a lot. He also said it’s weird, since he doesn’t really have a corporeal form and the mind just projects what it wants him to be and that’s what we see. So for some reason my brain had a really different image of what it expected God to look like than what I always thought God would look like. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around that.
Anyway, I looked up from my phone and God was there. Just standing there, like it was no big deal. He didn’t say anything at first, which was weird. And so naturally I'm all, "Oh shit am I dead?" And he just sort of looked down and rubbed his eyes and then I was like, "Oh, sorry about the cursing, man."
I was really worried that was gonna blow my chance at Heaven, like I would fumble it at the goal line or something, but then I started thinking about it and I was pretty sure that if I had made it this far despite the way I'd lived my life, saying "shit" to God wasn't gonna kill the deal. But he was all about the power play, you know? That whole "whoever speaks first, loses," crap they teach you at crappy sales jobs? He probably came up with that. He just stood there, staring at me, for like 10 minutes. And at first I was trying to play along, like no way he's gonna beat me, but then I remembered I had already talked when I asked him if I was dead and plus he's God so it's not like I'm gonna intimidate the guy into making a mistake. Also: why would I try to make God make a mistake?
So I was like, "Is there something you needed?"
And he was like, "Yes, William, I hath a divine prophecy and I shall entrust you with its delivery to your fellow man." Which was pretty heavy. I started wondering how I would even deliver a prophecy. But then it hit me.
"Oh, my name isn't William." I could see him scrunch up his eyebrows.
"Well, you go by Bill then, but it you were named William," his voice boomed.
"No. My name's Kevin." And he just stood there, staring at me, like he was waiting for me to remember that my name isn't actually Kevin, that my name is William, but I didn't, because my name's not William. It's Kevin.
"Oh. Sorry about that," he said softly, and then he sort of disappeared. Just as quickly as he'd appeared. I was back at the bus stop. The 320 was already pulling away and I missed it.
I was late for work.