7.21.2014

"Better Send this to Everyone!"

Every office has one: the person who just can't stop sending company-wide emails that really don't need to be sent. I'm not talking helpful stuff, like "It's Wayne's birthday so there are cupcakes in the break room." That's important shit people need to know. I'm talking shit like "Here are my photos from my trip to the botanical gardens this week!" or "I know we're spread out in multiple offices across the country but I figured all 1200 of you would enjoy seeing pictures of my daughter for some reason."

Making things worse is the fact that every office always has 10-20 people who might not overshare on company email, but definitely abuse the "reply all" function of their email. These psychos come out of the woodwork any time there's a new hire, with their "WELCOME TO THE TEAM STEVE" and sharing of various GIFs to prove their excitement.

Let me just state, for the record, that a reply all welcome message is not a sincere way to communicate. It is the email equivalent of standing in the middle of a crowded room and announcing, loudly, to everyone in attendance: "I AM SAYING HELLO TO TOM. DOES EVERYONE SEE ME DOING THIS? I WANT CREDIT FOR BEING NICE TO TOM."

If you really want to say hello and welcome someone, do it in a personal fucking email directly to them.

7.16.2014

If You're Bothered by Lady Thor, You're the Reason There's a Lady Thor

The comic book nerdwire is all atwitter with reactions to the news that Marvel is going to make Thor, the actual-Norse-deity-appropriated-as-a-spandex-clad-hero, a lady. The reactions have pretty much split down the middle into the sort of predictable "Finally, lady superheroes and a positive portrayal of women in pop culture for all the young girls to look up to!" and "WTF U CANT MAKE THOR HAVE A VAGINA THAT RUINS THE CONTINUITY."

You can probably guess which side I'm on.

7.15.2014

Targeted Advertising

Finally, Google AdSense has dialed into the perfect ad to resonate with the type of people reading my blog.


7.14.2014

The Road to Recovery, Part 4

When last we spoke, I'd just undergone surgery to repair my blown out L4-L5 disk. 

Think about the coziest, most comfortable sleep you've ever had. Now envision someone shaking you awake because it's time to go to some horrific amalgamation of school AND work, and for some reason it's freezing cold and you're already burdened by the knowledge that you'll never sleep this soundly again in your life.

That's what waking up in recovery was like. 

Do You Like Michael Keaton?

I am more excited about this than I maybe should be.








How rad is that poster, though?!

7.11.2014

This Guy Hates Gay Hamburgers

This is Bryan Fischer. I have no idea who he is, other than an angry old white guy who's really upset about dude sex and gay hamburgers. 




See, Burger King ran a special edition Whopper at Pride San Francisco with a rainbow wrapper that says "we're all the same inside." And it was a big hit with the locals even though it was the same regular Whopper just in a different wrapper.

7.09.2014

Football Players from 1992 Hate Abortion

This is making the rounds on the internet today, and it's fucking fabulous. 




1992 was a simpler time and a more innocent era, when a billion dollar industry like the NFL felt like it could and should wade into the most fiercely-contested political debate this side of Israel/Palestine with a video where a bunch of musclebound dudes who make millions of dollars a year tell women how to use their bodies to best benefit dues who want babies.

But oh man, there is some absolutely delicious '90s era unintentional homoeroticism in this thing. And not just from the neon short shorts and feathery haircuts. Who knew Frank Reich and Don Beebe were locker room fuckbuddies?

Remember kids: there is no instant replay on abortion. Although if you think about it, abortion is sort of like an instant replay on pregnancy, and since we can all agree instant replay is a good thing it stands to reason that the NFL thinks abortion is super rad.

7.02.2014

Thoughts I Have in the Shower

Military shooter video games should have a Paperboy-style press clipping at the end detailing all the lives lost, property damage in US dollars, and political fallout.

7.01.2014

Sure Thing, I Can Do That.

"We're running an ad to congratulate a client on their anniversary. We need it to really capture the tone of our platform and literature, so lots of open space with a few splashes of bright color."

"Okay, so you bought the four-color ad option? Or just the single spot color printing?"

"Neither. Black and white was $100 cheaper."

"I...okay."

"I need it in an hour but I'm taking the rest of the day off okaythanksbye!"