8.28.2014

Badvertising: Even for Comical Dildo Commercials, This Sucks

Are you in the market for a dildo? Bully for you! I don't know a whole hell of a lot about dildos, so I can't really make any informed suggestions. I can tell you which one I'd recommend avoiding, though:
(Probably NSFW, in case "comical dildo commercial" didn't clue you in)


So this guy, who is I guess supposed to be an eight-year-old's approximation of "business man," calls his wife to say he'll be home late. And she's busy dildoing herself with what is the worst and least sexy dildo foley FX I've ever heard.

I'll be honest - I haven't heard a lot of dildo foley FX. But I'm familiar enough with the basics of human biology and molded silicone to know that you're not gonna be getting that noise from it.

I should preface this whole thing by saying that yes, I know we're really going after low-hanging fruit here. But just because you sell dildos doesn't mean you shouldn't have pride in your work.

So Mr. Business comes home and - oh no! - he hears sexytime noises coming from upstairs! His wife must be having an affair! He leaps into the bedroom and we get our first glimpse of what I really wanted to be an Alien-esque horror flick as a turgid cock flashes across the screen.

Then we're treated to the sort of hide and seek montage that six-year-olds fast forward through during Air Bud straight to video sequels. And let me just say that I'm as sex positive as any hetero white dude can be: I am all for any combination of consenting adults sticking whatever they want wherever they want it. Honest. But the idea of a very-recently-used dildo snail-trailing its way across the walls and doors and furniture grosses me the fuck out, man. Then again I always have to wash my hands after sex, so maybe I'm the weirdo.

But our plucky protagonist finds the crafty cock (uhhhh, why is it plugged in to the wall? I mean I know vibrators can be plug-ins, but this thing doesn't vibrate.) and we get to gaze into the abyss:

"I know your secrets."

I've never actually had the pleasure of seeing a dick from this angle. I hope mine doesn't look this stupid. Meanwhile, my reaction to seeing a phallus turn and face the camera is pretty much the same as Mr. Businessman's:

"I should just quit and open up a Quizno's."

So we wait half a beat and then...he's...excited? For some reason? Okay. Why was he in such a huff at all? Whatever questions we have about this interaction are short-lived because suddenly OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WHY?!

THIS IS NEVER AN ACCEPTABLE WAY TO GREET SOMEONE. EVER.

HE JUST TOOK A CUM FIVE FROM A DISEMBODIED COCK AND BALLS. WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD THIS BE DESIRABLE TO ANYONE?

No time to dwell on it because now that this guy has cum all over his palms it's time for sex! Which is usually the reverse order in my experience, but sure let's roll with it. The sex is, again, what I would guess to be a 10-year-old's estimation of sex would look like: there's a bed involved, and some weird shit goes on, but none of the mechanics are correct. 

Hey. Did you forget about the cum hand? Ha ha! I bet it was almost out of your mind. Well too fucking bad because here comes this:

"IT BURNS!"

Again, consenting adults and all that. I have a really hard time understanding why anyone would want a squirting dildo (actually I spent a not-insignificant amount of time looking them up on Amazon one day for a sketch I was writing - my recommended purchases are forever ruined) but all this video has done so far is convince me that it would be a messy proposition. I like my bedroom to be a sanctuary. I don't really like the idea of cleaning fake jism (what does this even spray? Do you mix it up yourself? Can I put Mai Tais in there?) off my walls.

More cartoon sex and then, the pièce de résistance: 

If you're a dude, your urethra just clenched reflexively.

Yes, the dildo not only throws faux cum all over your face, it rolls over and smokes a cigarette after. To each his own, but if I'm taking a load to the face I'm with Marvin Gaye.  

The most insulting part of this ad though is at the end, when after all of this they have the gall to call it a "Realistic Squirting Dildo." Way to set expectations, guys.

1 comment:

Bigluce said...

I'm going into the kitchen. I'm going to get a spoon and then I'm going to scoop my eyes out.