8.05.2014

Badvertising: The Charmin Shit Bears

I was watching TV the other night when I was confronted with this:





The Charmin Shit Bears have been around for awhile now, because it's 2014 but we are still tiny Puritan apes afraid to talk openly about the fact that sometimes when we are removing the shit from our asses, bits of paper get stuck in the hair around our butt holes.

I can understand why people are hesitant to "admit" this, although the problem is pretty much universal to any human being who shits on a toilet so it's about as big a revelation as admitting that you comb your hair. 

We all shit. We all have asshole hair to some degree - unless of course we shave/wax/pluck it. And we all have experienced the joy of tiny wadded balls of shit-soaked toilet paper sticking to the folds of our anus, resulting in uncomfortable itching. 

But I do find the ways companies advertise bodily functions to us pretty hilarious. There's the mysterious blue fluid in tampon adverts and that "not so fresh feeling" and, for some reason, bears who walk around with toilet paper dingleberries stuck to their asses. We can all relate to those!

But this latest ad moves off dingleberries and into...voyeurism?

"Sweet mother of softness!" 
"I've never seen anything so soft!"

Two young male bears, presumably not even sexually mature, appear to be ogling something irresistible and erotic through binoculars. You know, like peeping toms. Which our society long ago decided to arrest and charge as sex criminals. ADORABLE! But whatever. They're kids. Maybe we're supposed to chalk it up to youthful indiscretion. Whatever. But now I'm watching this ad and it pretty much HAS to pan over to reveal that they're watching another woodland creature taking a shit and/or wiping its ass, right? I mean we only ever see these bears in the context of shitting or the immediate aftermath of shitting.

But no. They're watching...toilet paper on a roll? Like, they're just staring at a roll of toilet paper? From across the yard? That's the kind of shit people with severe mental illness or catastrophic brain injuries do. They should be in some sort of fugue state, mumbling gibberish about the New World Order or Jew Media run by Lizard People or something.

I can honestly say I never think of toilet paper except when it's time to buy more. Even when I'm out on the town and have to use a public shitter and only stock that Soviet-era P500 grit stuff, it really doesn't rate high on my list of priorities. So I don't know what I'm supposed to relate to as a consumer here. Are there people who lustily ogle luxurious toilet paper, one day dreaming of the day they can afford the good stuff? It's your asshole. If you need thick, extravagant toilet paper then i say go for it, man. You're worth the cost.

So the mom walks in on her two sons staring at the neighbor's house with binoculars and for some reason isn't immediately all "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PERVERTS DOING?" because she's just strolling around the house with the kind of economy pack of TP that your'e always embarrassed to walk around the store with. Like, everyone who sees that has probably bought the exact same thing at one point or another, but all they see is you and a 24 pack of toilet paper and they think geez, how much shitting does that guy do? 

And then the little kid bear is all "OMFG I LOVE TOILET PAPER SO MUCH!" and rips it from his mom's arms to hug it, which should really alarm any normal parent but I guess Bear Mom is all "That's my boy, he just loves him some shitting!" and the brother(?) is left to jealously curse his hesitation that left him with nothing to wipe his ass.

And we, the non-bear, presumably-non-toilet-paper-voyeur consumers, are left to let that entire postmodern nightmare sink in and percolate in our brains to somehow convince us that one type of shit paper is better than the others.

I would be genuinely interested in hearing from someone who can honestly and truly say they like these commercials and mascots, or anyone who puts more thought into their toilet paper purchasing beyond "we're out of toilet paper."

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