7.11.2014

This Guy Hates Gay Hamburgers

This is Bryan Fischer. I have no idea who he is, other than an angry old white guy who's really upset about dude sex and gay hamburgers. 




See, Burger King ran a special edition Whopper at Pride San Francisco with a rainbow wrapper that says "we're all the same inside." And it was a big hit with the locals even though it was the same regular Whopper just in a different wrapper.


And let's all pause for a second to acknowledge that yes, this is shameless pandering from a shitty fast food shop in an attempt to piggyback onto broadening social consciousness. But it's still a big deal because Burger King, a global fast food conglomerate worth an estimated $5.5 billion, decided it was worth whatever retarded redneck backlash they might get and is embracing the idea of pandering to a group of people that until recently have been too ostracized for mega-corporations to pander to. Big companies don't usually go for "controversy" and tend to hedge their bets towards the mundane to avoid rocking any boats.

Progress is EVERYONE having their intelligence insulted with marketing! No, seriously. I mean that. Representation in advertising and marketing goes a long way towards "normalizing" a group's reputation in public perception. As dumb as it sounds. And is. Because when you get into it, advertising and marketing are pretty inherently dumb and are just permutations of whatever ape ancestor we had standing on a taller rock and the others looking up and thinking that must make him better somehow.

Sorry, I kind of got into the weeds there. Anyway, Bryan Fischer and whatever his organization is (I can't bring myself to google his website and give him any traffic) want to nip this faggoty burger shit in the heterosexual bud:

"If this isn't bottled up in San Francisco [...] you're gonna be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, IA and you're gonna have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper."

Fuck, I didn't even think of these sorts of consequences! If we recognize that all people deserve the rights and privileges we as a civilized society benefit from, then we run the risk of aesthetically unappealing fast food wrappers in small Midwestern cities! You're right, let's keep them sub-human. Oh, and then there's this:

"I gotta guarantee you: when people sit down to eat a hamburger, the last thing they want to be thinking about is two guys having sex."

On the issue of dude-sex permutations while consuming Grade-C beef in a shitty plastic box that hasn't been properly cleaned since 1978, Bryan Fischer and I agree. It's not my go-to daydream. But then again if it's yours, I don't begrudge you that. Hell, I'm just sitting here mulling it over now and I have to say as a straight male, butt sex with a dude is more appealing than a Whopper to me at this moment. 

I'm not entirely sure how seeing a rainbow-clad burger suddenly brings to mind dude sex for Bryan Fischer, though. Like, is there some sort of Manchurian Candidate psychological conditioning happening there? Was he abducted by a gay resistance movement and programmed to crave dicks the first time he saw a rainbow and a hamburger together?

I see rainbow flags and bumper stickers all the time. At most it makes me think that person might be gay. Or maybe they're just straight but showing support. Or maybe they just like rainbows. Or mayb-OH SHIT RED LIGHT! Never in my entire life have I seen a rainbow, on any product or food item, and felt unwanted dudesex creeping into my brain. Any dudesex that reared its naked heads in my mind was completely welcome. 

So I'm not exactly sure what Bryan Fischer's problem is.

No comments: