1.07.2014

Stop Putting Fucking Mustaches on Your Cars

If you live in a large-ish city in the US you've probably heard of Lyft, the ride-sharing app you can use to avoid having to take a taxi. The way it works is simple: you download the app, you load your credit card data because obviously you can trust this thing you just downloaded that immediately asks for your credit card number, and you request a ride. Then a creepshow in a rape van is instantly given your location and phone number and will call you to let you know they are on their way towards you and there is nothing you can do to stop them. You pay through the app, and both driver and passenger get to rate each other for things like punctuality and smell and willingness to engage in sexual congress. It's all super neat and allegedly cheaper than hailing a cab.

Credit Lyft with immediately realizing people would need a way to recognize a stranger's car coming to abduct them give them a ride so they started handing out giant pink mustaches to people who apply to be drivers. Slapping a mustache on your car's grill is the same as flipping on the light atop your taxi, so whoever asked for a lift (oh god I just got that!) can easily identify you and then hastily walk away from the curb because they just realized you are the kind of person who drives around idly waiting for the opportunity to get a stranger in your car.


And the mustaches are stupid. Obviously. They are a shameless attempt at co-opting a thing that was already co-opted by dead-eyed twenty-somethings and teens with so little imagination that a thing like an old-timey mustache is worth worshipping like some sort of fertility god. But Lyft needed something quirky and easily-identified and their customer base consists of vapid internet-addicted idiots who are slowly subsuming their smartphones into their flesh anyway so hitching their wagon to a fleeting bit of hipster culture wasn't the worst decision they made. Bad branding is still branding, I guess.

(I know I'm coming down pretty hard on poor Lyft but that's because I've tried their service and it's terrible. On my first attempt the weirdo picking me up couldn't locate the fucking baseball stadium and then rated me a poor passenger when I cancelled. If you're into this sort of thing I've heard Uber has their shit together. Plus with Uber you get an actual nice car and not some weirdo's '91 Tercel with a crying baby in the back.)

So cities with Lyft were quickly overrun with cars wearing big fuzzy pink mustaches going to and fro like some kind of bizarre Freddy Mercury tribute/car show was in town. But the silly branding idea had the desired effect, because several times I would hear people ask "What's up with that stupid fucking mustache on that car?" and someone would say, "Oh that's Lyft, it's like a taxi for assholes." Brand awareness!

But this morning on my way to work (yay, we're almost to the point of this post!) I noticed a car behind me with a green and black mustache. Surely that can't be another ride-sharing program, I thought, Lyft would sue the shit out of anyone else using big stupid mustaches on cars. I got to the office and told my boss to hold my calls because I had something important to do. I quickly googled "green and black car mustache" and found that no, it's not a ride-sharing program. It's just a thing jack offs put on their cars now. You can even put them on your bicycle.

It's disheartening that there are people with so little to offer the world that they must resort to putting a giant mustache on their car. Who is this for? What is its intended result? Are these morons getting constant honking and thumbs up from people ahead of them on the highway? Do they routinely get flagged down by confused Lyft customers only to zoom away laughing as the poor dick tries to open the door? If you need a mustache on your car to seem interesting you should cultivate some hobbies.

On the plus side, it makes it very easy to identify people I have no desire to interact with.

Of course that was already pretty easy, since my default position seems to be having no desire to interact with people.


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