7.19.2013

Well, if You're Gonna Die Tragically...

As a person with panic disorder, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about death. Specifically, I worry about how I will die (and how my loved ones might die). Death itself is scary enough, but there's something very undignified about dying when I imagine it. One moment you're all there, your soul or spirit or whatever makes you you is present and accounted for. And the next you're just this...thing. Just meat, slowly rotting on the floor or in your bed or at the base of a volcano or whatever. That's actually the scary part to me about dying: becoming this burden on everyone, not only in the sense of mourning or missing me (hopefully), but particularly the part where someone, at some point, has to figure out the logistics of disposing of my corpse. Money will probably change hands. That just feels gross.

Which is why I think, if you have to die, you could do a lot worse Joaquín Alcaraz Gracia.



See, Joaquín was participating in a beer drinking competition at a beer drinking festival in Spain. He was not only participating, he was dominating, and he had just won the event when, according to witnesses:

"Then he just started to vomit without stopping and he never spoke again."

For some reason that strikes me as really poetic language. I hope it's going on his tombstone: "Beloved Father and Husband. He started to vomit without stopping and he never spoke again." Naturally people started to question if this festival is such a great idea if it can induce a man to drink himself to death roughly 40 years faster than it usually takes, but the town defends the festival on the basis of tradition. Honestly, I kind of agree. This is probably a fluke, a rare fatality resulting from a combination of celebration, alcohol-induced lower inhibitions, and poor judgment. Now if people continue to drop like flies then maybe look at changing it to O'Doul's or something.

But the town is in a mandatory three-day mourning period for the guy. Imagine your hometown imposing mandatory mourning for you! For three whole days! All because YOU LITERALLY DRANK MORE BEER THAN WAS HUMANLY POSSIBLE

That, my friends, is how you die with dignity.

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