First Time Home Owner: The Worst Part of Waking Up

There's always something to scare you when you're a home owner. Fires, for instance, are very scary. Although I suppose they're pretty scary to anyone regardless of their living situation. Flooded basements are terrifying, as are holes in your roof. You basically become a furtive property manager, praying to whatever gods you believe in that nothing will assault your castle and inflict damage or, even worse, cost money to fix. 

But these fears all fall by the wayside when compared to the ultimate terror: the break-in.


The Cow Song

"I don't think people appreciate cows as much as I do." Truer words have never been spoken, pal.


Now You Know Your ABCs

I hope you're happy.

Diary of Descent - January

I wrote this thing over there. Now I'll write it over here.


January 1

I was going to write "Happy New Year," but then I realized I'm not 100% sure I've even got my days straight. I haven't exactly kept a calendar over the last few months while the whole world went to shit. 

It's so weird to think about. I mean, with all the stuff that's happened since July, with people turning into monsters and killing each other and having to escape my city...the stuff that freaks me out the most are little things like that. Is anyone still keeping time?


Top 5 Worst UFC Entrance Anthems

We were at some friends' place over the weekend watching the big UFC Scuffle-Fest or whatever they call them (side-note: do not invite a bunch of internet comedy writers to your Fight Night party if you want to actually watch the fight in any kind of serious way) when we started taking side bets on whether or not the next fighter's entrance theme would be butt-rock from the '90s, versus butt-rock from the '00s. Butt rock has a long and proud association with fringe sports like your various X-games and backyard wrestling and whatnot, so there was plenty of Godsmack or Puddle of Mudd or Drowning Pool or whatever. Of course it got us thinking about what we'd choose as entrance music. 

What we came up with was pretty much a list of the worst best songs to accompany a UFC fighter entering the ring to pummel another man into blood jelly. (You might want to mute the left video for maximum effect)

Leonard Cohen - Chelsea Hotel No. 2 
Hot Butter - Popcorn
Herb Alpert - Spanish Flea
Sweet Charity - Hey Big Spender
Stan Getz - The Girl from Ipanema

Got a better one? Let's hear it! Lemme know in the comments.


Let's Snuggle

I surf the internet. A lot. Too much, probably, but if I didn't then I wouldn't learn about stuff like a Cuddle Cafe in Japan, where you can pay money to lie next to a real, live, GIRL. For 20 minutes. With no touching or kissing or anything. But still. A GIRL.

I can only imagine the gnarly, unwashed, barely-human types of people who will show up to plunk down money for a chance just to occupy a bed with a probably-very-afraid Japanese woman. I can't decide if I would rather be a cuddle slut or just a regular ol' prostitute. At least the prostitute can write salacious blogs for the Wall Street Journal or tell-all books or something. Who the hell cares about Snuggle Johns? "Oh, some really weird dudes come into your business where you charge money to lie your head down on their lap? DO TELL."

Then I learned it's not just a "LOL, Japan" thing. There's a place in Rochester, NY called The Snuggery where one of two not-very-attractive women will happily provide you with the "physical benefits of non-sexual touch" for a modest fee. And I say not-very-attractive not to belittle these women (okay, kind of to belittle them) but to point out that there are plenty of people offering FREE snuggling all over the world who can't get any takers due to some sort of physical or psychological abnormality that makes people just not want to cuddle up to them. I can get "run of the mill" snuggling anywhere, lady. If I'm paying, I want to snuggle with a hottie, "non-sexual touch" be damned. 

My wife, after rolling her eyes and bemoaning the state of humanity, joked that I'd be great at this. 

"Yeah, you're awesome at snuggling. I'd pay top dollar for your snugs." It got me thinking. I'm certainly not too proud to sell my body, and I just like attention no matter who's giving it to me. Maybe I am cut out to be a cuddle slut. Cuddling only, of course, no funny stuff, but why not? An idea formed in my head.

"Okay, what if I start a cuddle club, but I also capitalize on Seattle's obsession with food trucks!" Kat stared at me, dumbfounded. "You know, a snug truck!" Still no response. "It'd just be a conversion van with a mattress in the back, and I could pull up to different business neighborhoods on lunch breaks and, y'know, snuggle people. For money."

She didn't say no, but to be fair she still hasn't said much of anything. 

This is Why I Have Trouble Making Friends

I was out for a walk the other day when a guy in a car flagged me down as I crossed an intersection.

"Hey! Hey, excuse me!" he seemed friendly enough, probably a little younger than me and looking scruffily-unshaven with a beanie. Pretty typical Northwestern vibe.

"What's up?"

"Can you tell me where the community college is?" I wasn't a hundred percent sure, namely because "the community college" isn't a very specific location in a city like Seattle with multiple colleges around, but I assumed he meant the one in my neighborhood.

"Yeah, it's actually behind you. Stay on this street but turn around and cross the highway, you'll run right into it." He gave me a dubious look.

"Are you sure?" Well...no, now that I think about it. I mean, I know there's a community college across the highway, and I know this road crosses the highway, so I just sort of assumed he'd see it if he took my advice. But now he had me second-guessing myself.

"Uh, yeah."

"I thought it was that way," he points North.

"No, man, it's definitely across the highway," I turn to walk away, satisfied that I've given this stranger enough of my time and assistance.

"Are you sure, I'm almost positive it's up that way," he yells after me. I roll my eyes. If you're so sure why the hell are you asking me? We've now established one of two things: either I have no idea where the community college is and I'm lying to this guy (possible), or this guy just doesn't trust me and won't accept my directions no matter how emphatically I try to direct him towards the community college. Either way, it seems pointless for him to now try to convince me of the location of said community college, especially when with our opening exchange we determined he doesn't really know where it is either.

"Well fuck, man, go that way then and quit bothering me about it." I walk off, incensed that someone could have the gall to ask for help and then dare to question my, in all honesty, less-than-perfect confidence in my answer. He speeds off in the direction he was pointing and flips me the bird.


I hope he's late for class.