8.21.2012

The Badge Wars Have Ended. All Hail the Victorious.

You may recall that I had some slight run-ins with office security goons over the necessity of wearing a badge around my neck on a lanyard like a good little cog in the machine. For a little over two years I'd put up with almost daily cajoling, harassment, and having to repeatedly explain the rules these guys were supposed to be enforcing to them, because they hadn't bothered to read their own sign.

I'm happy to report that as of a few weeks ago, those idiots are all gone. 

They've been replaced with people in blue shirts as opposed to black, but these new people are actually human beings and say things like, "hello," and "have a good day." They don't give two shits about where my badge is so long as it works. They are nice. That goes a long way.

So while a billion dollar company is still paying people to watch elevators all day long, at least they had the sense to hire someone with a positive attitude and the mental ability to navigate the slightest deviation from the three situations they were trained to deal with.

That's progress.

8.20.2012

I Almost Fought an Old Man in Canada

That sounds like one of those Facebook things your friends pass around: "If your first name starts with an R and your date of birth was in 1992 then you are a red ninja who fights old men in Canada because a hot dog pissed on your mom." But it's true. I went to Canada, possibly the nicest place on earth, and found myself in an aggressive argument with an old man. Oh, and we were at a garden. Watching fireworks.

8.07.2012

That's Not How I Wanted to Start My Day

It's six AM. The light from the rising sun has just barely started to filter down the hillside that shades my bedroom window with woods. The fan is on, softly whirring a lullaby while keeping me at an optimal sleeping temperature. The blankets have achieved the perfect level of warm inside, cool outside. I have one hour before I should get up, and two hours before I probably will get up. I am dreaming.

SUDDENLY, LIGHTS!

In my house, the use of sudden, unannounced lighting while one is sleeping usually precipitates a fight or some dramatic news being announced. I snap awake, bleary-eyed and moaning. I see my wife standing in the doorway to our bedroom, naked and still damp from her shower.

"Sorry," she barks, "but there is a huge fucking spider in the house."

8.06.2012

It's the Little Things

Sometimes you just have to sit back and congratulate yourself for not being immortalized in a YouTube video about running into shit. (God I hope I'm not immortalized in a YouTube video somewhere about running into shit)



8.02.2012

No Thanks, Netflix.

Sometimes Netflix suggests really great stuff. Other times, not so much:

"When scientist Buck Hogan voices concerns about the safety of his company's cancer-curing device, they punish him by implanting a bomb in his body."