6.25.2012

I don't understand you people.

Voting Conservative when you're middle or lower class is like getting fucked in the ass, complaining about how your ass hurts, and then asking someone to fuck your ass harder to try and fix the problem.

North to Alaska! Part 2

Continuing the tale of my Alaskan exploits this last summer...

I packed for my trip to Alaska the same way I do a lot of things in life, which is to say incorrectly. Kat had warned me that it would be cold, but what did she know? She only goes up there every year, right? Besides, I live with her and I know for a fact that the woman is cold roughly 87% of the time anyway. I loaded my duffel bag with some jeans, work pants, boots, and a few long sleeve Old Navy shirts to layer under my usual wardrobe of "hilarious" tees. Then, to show I was prepared, I packed a fleece jacket and a windbreaker. What more would I need? It was JULY, for cryin' out loud.

My suspicions were confirmed when I landed in Anchorage for my first layover. It was a little chilly in shorts and a t-shirt, but chilly I could handle. I stared out from the curb of Ted Stevens Airport into the pale, sunny sky and checked my phone for the time: 11:45pm. 


Wat.

6.21.2012

Dear "Guy Who Spends Way Too Much Time Primping in the Men's Room Mirror,"

No one cares. Seriously. You're not that well-put-together. And I can't hold in this fart forever.

PEW PEW PEW!

Kat and I went to see a laser show last night, specifically Laser Queen. She'd never been, and I hadn't been to a laser show since I was about eight, so we grabbed dinner and headed to the Science Center.

6.04.2012

Life After the Bell: AC Slater

Continuing my examination of what happened to the characters of Saved by the Bell once the lights turned off.



When he first arrived at Bayside, many looked at A.C. Slater as Zack Morris's biggest threat and eventual usurper. However, Zack's cunning and guile soon reduced Slater to little more than a lackey, muscle for his ever increasing army of popular kids. The transition's effects were lost on Slater, whose dalliances with performance enhancing steroids in the quest for athletic supremacy left him unable to see beyond his own ever-increasing rage at the world. An army brat upbringing and an absentee mother forced Slater to grow up a lot younger than most teens. He was exposed to harsh realities, and his father's overcompensating, ridiculous ideas of what "manhood" consisted of heaped enormous pressure on his son. 

6.02.2012

We're All Just Pigeons

Have you ever watched pigeons? Really watched them, I mean, for more than five seconds. Pigeons have their own little social hierarchy they follow just like us, and if you ever take a second to watch a group of them you'll notice a few start puffing up and strutting around like they're king of the goddam world and every other pigeon in the area better fucking respect that.



And to us, people with real shit to worry about, they look absolutely ridiculous stomping around and puffing out their chests over a three inch square of sidewalk that happens to have a half-eaten bagel on it. They're pigeons, for god's sake. Who cares?

But I feel like on a larger scale, that's all of us. We've all got our niches, our little jobs and lives and interestes we carve out and stake as our own. We nurture them. We become enthusiasts, maybe even experts. It becomes our life's work. It becomes the thing that is most rewarding for us to do. 

And yet, to the next guy on the street, you're just a puffed up pigeon going on about some ridiculous bullshit he couldn't care less about.