Sometimes Comedy Just Comes in the Mail

My wife spends her summers fishing for salmon in Alaska, which means for three months out of the year I'm in charge of things like making sure we don't go bankrupt. Part of that responsibility means I've got to get the mail to make sure any bills get paid before they start showing up with helpful reminders like "FINAL NOTICE" on the outside.

For any other human being, this isn't a chore. 

For some reason, though, I don't like getting the mail. I know, you're probably thinking something like, "How can you even have an OPINION on something as mundane as GETTING THE MAIL? Don't you just...do it?" Actually, no. I get anxiety over it. Believe me, I know how incredibly stupid that sounds. But for the majority of my mail-getting career, it's usually been bad news: report cards, disciplinary notes, credit card statements, restraining orders, you get the idea. Yes, I know in my logical mind that I'm 29 years old and it's just the goddamn mail, but for some reason that hangs on me. Luckily, this isn't about that. Because today I got possibly the most awesome piece of mail ever. Well, my wife did. It was addressed to her.


The envelope had a return address from a law firm, which immediately set off my spidey sense. We definitely are not expecting any correspondence from any legal team. However, the flip side of the letter was handily marked, "THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT." Normally, upon seeing that, I would just tear the thing into pieces and recycle it. But I was interested in what sort of law firm would be advertising specifically to Kat. ("OH GOD, IT'S GOING TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE 'HERE IS THE INFORMATION ON DIVORCE COURT YOU REQUESTED!'") What I got was this:

"Well this only leaves me with more questions."

So many thoughts swirled in my head: "Kat entered a wet t-shirt contest?" "Why wasn't I aware?" "Why would a lawyer need to be involved?" "Oooh, maybe there's a large cash prize." Once I looked more closely I saw it was actually an order form for a t-shirt. You could order t-shirts with this lawyer's logo. I guess. He threw in a keychain, too.

Seems legit.

There's a matching refrigerator magnet, too, which is of course front and center on my fridge door. Turns out this is some sort of promo packet from a "law firm" that specializes in cases for fishermen and boat workers. Mostly stuff like personal injury suits from getting hurt on the job. I know that because they also included a list of "most interesting questions," a bizarre, schizophrenic-looking Q&A sheet with questions ranging from "Q. Is it legal for the States' white collar employees to form laws that determine where we can crab?" to "Q. Just interested."

Seriously. Someone took the time to write a letter or fill out an online form asking for questions with "Just interested." What does that even mean, "just interested?" In WHAT? I would have little time to ponder the matter, though, as my eyes soon discovered this gem:

It helps if you read it in the "Dey took our jobs!" voice.

I don't know about you, but I don't WANT to live in the kind of world where a boat worker can't jack off to a skin mag while...wait. "Ear corn?" Is that a thing people can do? I've heard of an ear of corn, but I didn't know one could ear corn. Did he mean "eat?" Why wouldn't the captain let these guys eat corn? How does a grown man let a person, even one in a position of superiority such as a captain, tell him not to eat corn? So many questions. Let's see what the legal eagles have to say:

I'm not even shitting you; this is the answer they gave to that question.

"Yeah! He won't let you eat corn?! That's probably 'cause he's a GODDAMN CHILD MOLESTER! PORNO ALL AROUND, BOYS!" I have no idea how many people got this letter, but I'm really curious as to how many people got this letter and immediately thought, "I've got to get this attorney on retainer."


Eric Scott said...

This is the greatest mail ever recieved by a human being.

jordan said...

you are ridiculously funny, randy. I'm waking people up wayyy to early laughing at this.

JB said...

If only my mail was as funny as this, I'd open it.