I Don't Need No Stinking Lanyard

I have to wear a badge to go to work. It's a stupid policy, born of bullshit corporate self-importance and lawyering, to try and protect us all from a crazed gunman or, worse, some kind of corporate espionage. If you don't know, I write jokes about iPods and laptops for a living. I work in a building full of people who build websites to sell shoes and jewelry. It's not exactly the fucking CIA, but you wouldn't know it from the pretense our corporate overlords put up...


Eatin' Shit. Eatin' Shit So Hard.

I don't know why, but I have this weird masochistic streak in me where I love, absolutely LOVE, to watch terrible, awful, horrible performances. Mainly stand-up, since that's what I'm really into, but I'll sit through a seven minute video of some shitty garage band mutilating a Metallica song just to soak up the awfulness. I subscribe to Daniel Songer AND James William Gregory Jr. on YouTube, for god's sake.

Sure, part of it is to laugh at their misfortune/misguided efforts, but it's not ALL mean-spirited. Part of it is the same appeal as watching a scary movie; it's that whole "what if that happened to me?" or, more accurately for my neurosis, "am I that bad on stage?" With that said, if you DON'T have my tolerance for awfulness, you'll probably get 30 seconds in and think, "this is terrible." STICK WITH IT! It's so worth it. Not only does this douchebag bomb (and I have every sympathy for a bombing comic, but when you're stealing Dom Irrera bits and your best comeback is "you're gay/fat," I have nothing for you), he gets schooled by literally every person in the room. All six of them.