8.12.2010

Batman is My New Hero

If you haven't seen the YouTube sensation of "How To, Batman?" you're in for a treat. Some guys named Gabe Evans and Greg Gustafson have created the ultimate video advice column; they take your questions and Evans, in perfect Christian Bale Batman voice, explains it for you, complete with awesome theme music and intro.

So far my favorite by far is "How to Order From a Subway," but they've got a ton of hits. Enjoy:





8.05.2010

Nicole at Comcast is a Really Patient Person

One of the less thrilling aspects of moving is re-establishing things like power, internet, gas service, etc. I've dealt with most of it already, but with my internet service it's taken awhile because apparently Comcast can't schedule an installation less than two weeks in advance. I did all that online and promptly forgot about it.

Today I realized I may or may not have a Comcast technician coming to my house very soon and I should make sure I was there. Luckily they have a little online chat window so you can get all the information you'd ever need, and then some. My "analyst" (what is she analyzing, exactly?) was Nicole, who had the bizarre habit of typing little actions in parentheses after her phrases, like "Let me find that information for you! (smiles)." 

I immediately started mimicking her enthusiasm to mock her, but she took it all in stride and played right along. Naturally I had to up the ante to try and get SOME kind of reaction from her, some acknowledgment that I was being a shithead.

I got none. Even as I progressed from (grinning) to overt sexual gestures, she not only stayed professional, she stayed in the chat room. I have no idea who you are or where you're from Nicole at Comcast, but I admire your dedication to your craft.


user Randall_ has entered room

Randall>
Can't remember when my appt. for installation is.

analyst Nicole has entered room

Nicole>
Hello Randall_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Nicole. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Nicole>
It's a Comcastic day! I am here to assist you with concerns and I am really sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you. With your help, I assure you we can resolve this in no time and before we start, I just want to know how are you doing today?

Randall:
I'm good, thanks. I just need to know when my installation is scheduled.

Nicole:
I am glad you are doing good, Randall! (smiling)

Randall:
(laughing)

Nicole>
As I understand you're inquiring about your appointment,  correct?

Randall:
Correct.

Randall:
(grinning)

Nicole:
I am sorry to know that, but let me do my best to help you with your concern today.

Nicole:
To start with, can you please provide the name on the account and the account number?

Randall:
The name is Randall Cleveland

Randall:
The account number is ______

Nicole:
Thank you very much for the information. (smiling)

Randall:
You are welcome! (blowing spit bubbles)

Nicole:
Randall, thank you for your patience and cooperation on this. (laughs)

Randall:
My patience isn't the only thing that's long! (gestures to crotch)

Nicole:
(giggling)

Nicole:
Your appointment schedule is tomorrow, August 6, 2010 from 9AM-11AM.

Randall:
Thanks. Want to meet for drinks after? (bats eyelashes seductively)

Nicole:
That would be nice!

Nicole:
We appreciate your time spent with us today. Are there any other concerns specific to your account that you want us to help you with?

Randall:
Nope. See you at La Rustica for a glass of wine!

Randall:
(awkwardly tries to hide boner in jeans)

Nicole:
Thank you for bringing Comcast to your home. We value you like a diamond. If you need further assistance, please come back at your convenience as we are operating 24/7. To complete this interaction and save the trancript, please click on the “End Session” button that you will see on the screen, it will be greatly appreciated if you will find time to let us know how we were able to address your concerns today. Have a great day!

Nicole:
Always wear a smile and have a blessed day, Randall! (smiling)

Randall:
You have brought a smile to my face, Nicole. (leans in for a quick peck on the cheek)

Nicole:
I am very delighted to know that, Randall. You take care now! Have a good one!

Randall:
I'll miss you! Take care of yourself! (one more quick kiss)

Nicole:
Sure thing! You too.

Randall:
Oh god, Nicole, my wife is here. Please don't let her know about us. I'm going to leave her but things are messy right now. Just play along!

Randall:
(winks)

Randall:
WHO IS THIS?

Randall:
WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH MY HUSBAND?

Randall:
(GLARES)

Randall:
Hey, babe. This is my friend Nicole. We were just hanging out, no big deal.

Randall:
HOW COME I'VE NEVER MET HER? YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT ANY NICOLE.

Nicole:
(laughing discretely)

Randall:
Oh god, Nicole! Don't laugh!

Randall:
WHAT'S SO FUNNY, NICOLE?! (GLOWERS MENACINGLY)

Randall:
Honey, calm down! (grabs wife by shoulders)

Randall:
DON'T YOU LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME! (SLAPS RANDALL ACROSS THE FACE)

Randall:
You insufferable...fine! I'm glad you found out this way! I'm in love with Nicole and she loves me and I'm leaving you!

Randall:
NICOLE IS THIS TRUE?

Nicole:
kebz

Randall:
KEBZ?

Randall:
ARE YOU TWO DOING DRUGS OR SOMETHING?

Randall:
FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN HAVE HIM. HE'S A "WRITER" FOR A LIVING SO HE DOESN'T MAKE A DIME. GOOD RIDDANCE

Nicole:
Randall! I am amazed.

Randall:
Nicole you're the only one for me, I swear. I've been miserable for years but I didn't have any reason to leave until I met you!

Randall:
What we've shared. What we WILL share. It's worth too much. I love you.

Nicole:
That's funny, Randall. But let us keep it as it is. Is there anything else I can be of assistance today?

Randall:
I've got to sort some things out, Nicole. Goodbye for now. My life is just too messy to risk hurting you too.

Status: The analyst has left and your issue has been closed.