5.25.2010

You're About to Love Tahuna Breaks

You won't be able to get this out of your head, but that's okay. The video is probably NSFW-ish, but the funk is worth getting fired.

This is Why I'm Weird

Lately I have been drinking a ton of water because I'm permanently thirsty. I can drink four tall glasses of water and still feel like I need more. I was beginning to worry something must be horribly wrong with me (I'm a hypochondriac, after all) when I figured out today what's been missing:

Ice.

Something about COLD water scratches whatever itch I've got...uh, in my throat.

Poor metaphors aside, I feel sated again! I can stop overhydrating at last! Is it just me? Anyone else need to have ice water?

No? Oh well.

In it to Win it.

Not enough people use that phrase these days. Don't worry, though. This guy does:


5.21.2010

ANGEL OF DEATH!

Let's lighten up from all the super morbid Saved by the Bell stuff for just a little bit and bring some fucking Jesus into our hearts.


And Slayer. Jesus and Slayer.

Thanks to my pal Matt Mowrer for sharing this on Facebook.

5.14.2010

Life After the Bell: Stacey Carosi

Continuing my examination of what happened to the characters of Saved by the Bell once the lights turned off.



Before Tori Scott showed up to ruffle Zack Morris's perfectly bleached hair, Stacey Carosi was the ball-busting New York bitch making his perfect summer at Malibu Sands miserable. Until, of course, he managed to woo her in yet another of his "What the fuck? What happened to Kelly?!" affairs. Despite being a pretty major supporting character in a significant story arc, it's damn hard to find a decent picture of Stacey Carosi.

Upon her return to New York after her summer of hedonism at Malibu Sands, Stacey enrolled in college. Although she wanted to pursue Graphic Design at NYU, her father pressured her to pursue a Food Service Management certificate at LaGuardia Community College. She was initially rebellious, but after her father's heart attack she acquiesced.

While stuck in a middling school studying a field she didn't care about to take over a job she didn't want at a resort she never wanted to revisit, Stacey fell into hard drug use. Cocaine was her drug of choice, and Daddy's Malibu Sands slush fund kept the snow falling and the parties happening.

Eventually, as always happens, the coke stopped working the way it used to. It took more and more, and Stacey couldn't escape the crushing loneliness she had felt since Zack had never returned a single one of her letters. She fell into a deep depression, and her drug use transitioned from recreational to intentionally-self-destructive.

Then, one hot night in August, Stacey was gakked out of her mind at a party in a broken down parking garage in Red Hook. She met Eric, Jessie Spano's ex-stepbrother, when a mutual friend suggested they chat since they had both been to California. Eric and Stacey instantly connected on their singular obsession: the Bayside High class of '93. That and heroin.

Within a week they were living together. Meeting a kindred spirit who knew exactly who she was talking about allowed her to unleash all her vitriol, pain, and sexual frustration at once. Similarly, Eric sought release through Stacey's Malibu Sands photos. He had never found a way to turn his relationship with Jessie sexual before his father had been caught banging a secretary and lost his job and wife.

Eric bleached his hair and bought a cell phone while Stacey curled her hair and studied Thoreau. With the sort of motivation they inspired in one another, they surely could have accomplished something significant; sadly their efforts only went into scoring more drugs and satisfying their sexual desires with bizarre Zack/Jessie roleplay scenarios.

After shorting his connection on multiple occasions, Eric bought a tainted bag one fateful night. He and Stacey shot up their favored combination of heroin and methamphetamine, but felt nothing. They pushed off again and again, until Eric's heart gave out and stopped. He collapsed in a heap to the floor with a muffled groan, slamming his head on a nightstand as he fell.


Stacey, unable to move from the bed as her body slowly shut down, stared at the ceiling wide-eyed. It's possible she was just unable to blink, but as tears streamed down her face she mouthed the words, "I love you Zack."


Her eyes never closed again.

5.11.2010

Life After the Bell: Tori Scott

Continuing my examination of what happened to the characters of Saved by the Bell once the lights turned off.


Tori was Zack's main adversary when she showed up inexplicably at Bayside to replace Jessie and Kelly. Despite being an obvious butch leather-lesbian, she wound up falling for the strange hormonal cocktail Morris exuded from his very pores and they dated briefly, at least until Zack's inability to properly munch box and unwillingness to be shown how led her to dump him and declare her fling with guys over.

Exiled from Bayside for rejecting the blonde bomber himself, Tori struggled to make ends meet and found herself in a biker commune near Venice. She took the name "Tore Up" and slowly built a cadre of lesbian biker soldiers as she combed the highways of California looking for trouble wherever she could find it. The road was her home, and moving crystal meth was her only source of income.

An unfortunate encounter with a particularly ruthless chapter of The Mongols left Tori battered and beaten. Her gang was decimated, and her road bitch, "Ann-Job," had been brutally murdered. Tori realized her life was empty, and that she was only on borrowed time as long as she continued down this path. A chance meeting with Mr. Belding at a gas station near Dockweiler convinced her to turn things around.

Using her keep from one last score, Tori purchased the burned wreckage of The Max, convinced to recapture the glory days of her half a semester at Bayside. However, while searching for a business partner to run the books, Tori met Violet Ann Bickerstaff. Bickerstaff, a fellow Bayside alum who had dated Screech briefly, had declared herself gay months after a brutal rape at the hands of A.C. Slater. Tori and Violet fell instantly in love, and decided women like them needed a safe haven in Bayside.

The remains of The Max were torn down and Bayside's first lesbian club, "Torn Violet," opened in its place. After surviving the first few lean years, the club now turns enough of a profit to allow Tori and Violet to spend their free time traveling California on Tori's Harley.

The two were married in a civil ceremony in Violet's parents' backyard just weeks before Prop 8 passed. They still live in Bayside and are staunch gay-rights activists.