Learning to Speak Republican

I got this email from my right-wing uncle, who about twice a week sends me helpful reminders that Jesus loves me and Barack Obama is actually Satan-incarnate hellbent on ruining God's beautiful capitalist paradise, Amurrica. I've always found it hard to even read them, because A)There is no god, and B)The level of deceitful, lying bullshit in each chain letter far exceeds my RDA.

But then I realized the real problem is that we're literally not speaking the same language! Conservatives have created their own unique language and until we meet them in the middle and learn what they're babbling about, progress will never be made. So in order to facilitate easier communication, I've helpfully translated this email so that you too can have a conversation with any "right-wing," "consevative," "Republican," or "Fox News-Watching" person in your life (hint: they're all the same thing).

The letter is below, in italics, with my translations following:

Dear Mr. President:

Translation: I would never actually write to the President. Like he'd actually read my letter! This is addressed to everyone on my contacts list. The "Dear President" part just makes me seem like a badass as if I really sent it to him.

During my shift in the Emergency Room last night, I had the pleasure of evaluating a patient whose smile revealed an expensive shiny gold tooth, whose body was adorned with a wide assortment of elaborate and costly tattoos, who wore a very expensive brand of tennis shoes and who chatted on a new cellular telephone equipped with a popular R&B ringtone.

Translation: So this black lady showed up at my hospital. I'm talkin' black as the day is long, man. Black, black, black, BLACK. Like, Wesley-Snipes-Fucked-Shaft-and-somehow-had-a-baby black! BLACK! And she wants medical care! Ha! She thinks she's people!

While glancing over her patient chart, I happened to notice that her payer status was listed as "Medicaid"! During my examination of her, the patient informed me that she smokes more than one costly pack of cigarettes every day and somehow still has money to buy pretzels and beer.

Translation: This woman dares to game the system for her medical care when she can afford such extravagant luxuries as a $1.29 bag of pretzels and beer (probably a 40 ounce - did I mention she's black?) which can be purchased for as low as $0.99?! Oh, and she smokes! This harlot had the audacity to become addicted to cigarettes and continue to smoke despite the rising costs and adverse effect on her health! Is she insane?! That's so stupid only 43.4 million Americans would ever have the guts to do it!

And, you and our Congress expect me to pay for this woman's health care?

Translation: I lost my point, here. Am I upset that the Health Care Reform Act will eventually force this woman to purchase her own health insurance by eliminating the obstructions put up by insurance providers? Or am I upset about Medicaid, which is funded by several sources (not just the fed) and is means-tested and needs-based to ensure the people who need it get it. Or am I that terrible a medical provider that I don't know the difference between Medicaid and Medicare?

I contend that our nation's "health care crisis" is not the result of a shortage of quality hospitals, doctors or nurses. Rather, it is the result of a "crisis of culture", a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance. It is a culture based in the irresponsible credo that "I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me".

Translation: What? No one's saying we have a shortage of quality hospitals, doctors, or nurses? The whole debate has been about people's ACCESS to said hospitals, doctors, and nurses? Well, fuck it. I like the look of this sentence anyway.

Besides, people have no right asking the government to do things for them or pay any money for stuff, because that money comes from us taxpayers! KEEP THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF OUR LIVES! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to drive down the federally-funded interstate to the airport so I can fly on a plane that the FAA will track to ensure it doesn't crash so I can land in an airport which the TSA monitors to protect from terrorists so I can drive on ANOTHER federally-funded interstate and stop for a hamburger made of beef the FDA inspected for safety on my way to Yellowstone, a national park paid for and maintained with what I can only assume is Monopoly money.

Once you fix this "culture crisis" that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.

Translation: If these lazy nig- uh, PEOPLE, would get off their cigarette-smoking, pretzel-chewing asses and just pull themselves up by their bootstraps when they get cancer or broken bones or lupus or Lyme Disease or depression or AIDS (I mentioned she's black, right?), everything could go back to the way I liked it when white people were in charge and we didn't have a black president and I didn't have to SEE poor people because they lived in separate neighborhoods and never went to my hospital until they were 45 and ready to die because they'd never seen a doctor in their whole life. Did you know in the '50s it was pretty much okay to hit your wife? You could also chase black people OUT of a white house when they moved in to your neighborhood. Ah, the greatest generation!


Translation: Yep, good ol' Starner Jones, everyman. Why, I could be ANY American citizen, provided he's white, upper class, and conservative.


I Need Better Dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was looking through old photos of people I didn't know.

That's it.

I didn't recognize anyone, the photos weren't revealing some conspiracy or hidden information. It was just a bunch of smiling faces I didn't know. There wasn't anyone around, either. Just me and a box of pictures.

Is my subconscious that fucking boring?


Stuff I Think Up on the Toilet

"Whoever you become and whatever you accomplish, there will never be a shortage of people who have no idea who you are or what it is that you do."

Near as I can tell, I made that up all by my lonesome. I was thinking of projects I'm working on here in St. Louis and feeling like things are going pretty well. Then I realized that in any of the markets that matter, no one's heard of me.

But in a weird way it's kind of comforting, in a "you'll never hit 100%, so don't freak out about it" sorta way.


Sorry for my Whiteness

I went to the gas station today, and had to duck inside to throw some whiz. On my way out the door, a guy coming in stopped and held the door open. There was some traffic in the entrance, so I had to turn sideways and squeeze by him.

"Excuse me," I said.

"Huh uh," he muttered, "Ain't no excusin' the white man."


I get it. White people, on average, are pretty fucking evil. They're responsible for a lot of heinous shit throughout history, and they've still got a pretty fierce hegemony in place to try and keep people (mostly other white people) from realizing just how awful they are. Which is why I'm distancing myself by referring to white people as "them," despite my Swedish roots and nigh-translucent complexion.

But c'mon, man. Do I look like The Man?

If I strolled out of the QwikTrip in my three-piece suit with a BlueTooth earbud talking about buying up some Section 8 housing to tear it down and put in a liquor store, sure. Call me out. But c'mon, man. I'm just gettin' gas. I'm wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt. Not fashionably ripped, either; they're like six years old.

It made me realize a big difference between white and black people, though. When black people commit crime (and not all of them do so stop quaking in your suburbs) it's angry. It's a lashing out. It's violent. It's a robbery, or a home invasion, or maybe even a murder. Sudden. Shocking. Intrusive.

When white people commit crime it's completely fucking evil and sinister. It's calculated. Sociopathic. Remorseless. I'm talking genocides, internment camps, the Trail of Tears, and Catholicism.

I see the guy's point. Kill all white people!


Things I Do That I Can't Explain

If I have to pee, nine times out of 10 I will hold one hand up in the air, like a bullrider.

Like this, but with a cock instead of a cow.

I don't know why I do it. I don't watch rodeos. I don't wear cowboy hats. I've never wanted to be a bullrider in all my life.

But goddamn I put my hand up every time.