7.31.2009

My Next Invention: Standup Karaoke

If it's acceptable to go to a bar, get tanked, and ruin your favorite songs by reading them drunkenly off a TV screen as a MIDI score plays in the background, why not do the same with your favorite standup bits?

There'd be a giant book of comedians and bits, and you'd pick yours and go up there to do your best impression. Everyone would be there, from George Carlin to Bill Hicks to Brian Regan all the way down to Carlos Mencia. Well, maybe there'd be some standards in place to prevent that.

But I think it could work. Eventually you'd have closers like Carlin's "7 words you can't say on TV" that would be to standup karaoke what "Baby Got Back" is to regular karaoke: a crowd pleaser that several people end up doing over the course of a night.

But you'd get a good mix of people doing mainstream and obscure bits, and the performers would get the intoxicating laughter of a drunken audience. Or maybe just heckled.

What's your next invention?

7.30.2009

What. The. HELL?!

I've been without a phone for like 10 days now. That's not even an exaggeration. It started with the screen on my phone cutting out or sometimes (for some reason) going negative and upside down and backwards. Which, in all honesty, I could deal with.

Then the screen cut out completely. Pretty soon only the keys would light up. Again, I figured I didn't need a screen since I have speed dial, but aside from the keys lighting up nothing would happen. It turned into a goddamn brick.

Which is uber pathetic, since THIS phone was a replacement in October for my ORIGINAL PHONE I had purchased last July. So I called my provider, which is Helio just so you know to avoid them and their spectacularly shitty Korean phones, and got hassled and told I would owe $50 to replace a phone that hadn't lasted a year. Now I will totally admit that the casing takes some scratches because I keep it in my pocket with my keys, but in general I don't drop or throw my phone and it definitely has never seen any water damage, so three angry calls later I got myself a free replacement booked.

So they shipped it via FedEx but god forbid someone leave it in my mail box or even at my door; instead they try to deliver it three days in a row at the same time while I'm at work. I get it; some people might be home during the day to receive a package, but you can't honestly tell me they're the majority here, can you?

So I had to call FedEx and ask them to redeliver my phone to their own fucking facility so I could pick it up after work. I finally got it tonight and brought it home to activate. I have to punch in a bunch of random codes to open the activation menu, then my phone number, then the actual activation code.

Which I don't have.

You see, in their infinite wisdom, Helio decided that in order to protect my security, I can't activate my own goddamn phone from the fucking phone itself. I have to call an 800 number from a DIFFERENT phone and get a code which I then enter into my cell phone. Why this number couldn't be on a goddamn slip of paper in the package they just sent me, I don't know. And since I only use a cell phone and no land line, I have to wait until I get into work tomorrow and set everything up from my desk.

So now I'm sitting here with two bricks that look like phones and still no way to make a stupid phone call.

7.05.2009

Happy Belated 4th

Hope you had lots of fun and didn't lose any digits. I spent the night of the third taste-testing cheap hooch for Zug.com. The article should be up in a week or so, and the pics alone were worth the liver damage sustained.

Also, check out my pal Marc's bid to become CEO of Arby's in the next year. Normally, I would say this is a fool's errand, but Marc is that one guy in a million that just makes bizarre things like this happen pretty regularly. We'll soon see.

Also, I've recently realized I need to get some new clothes, because I'm looking rather haggard. It was basically a fun excuse to update my Amazon Wish List.

My Amazon.com Wish List
So...y'know, you could click there. If you wanted to buy me something. No pressure.