12.16.2009

The Missing White House Emails

Recently technicians uncovered 22 million emails from the Bush administration that had somehow gone missing. While legal experts argue over the legitimacy and implications for any sort of lawsuits that may or may not happen, everyone else will be hoping to get a glimpse of the private communication of some of the most powerful people in the world. I got way more fun perusing some of the more "ground-level" staff emails...

February 3, 2001

From: admin@whitehouse.gov
To: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Browsing History

Hello Sir,

I was clearing out the internet histories per protocol and noticed you might still be having some trouble. Again, just to reiterate, our website is whitehouse.gov. When you type in the .com domain name you get a very unseemly and NSFW page. I guess it's not like you could get fired for it or anything, but it could be a PR snafu if word somehow got out. Not that I would ever do that. Oh god, saying I would never do that makes it seem like I would. Okay, nevermind. Forget I said anything.

I thought of a way to remember it: .gov GOOD. See? Also, maybe G for George and .gov. Let me know if you need any help!

Scott


April 25, 2001
From: coolkevin@whitehouse.gov
To: cecilia@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Schedule

OMG I just had to clean DC's bathroom for the 3RD TIME this month. This is bs! I seriously can't even re-use this toilet brush. Do you think this guy even knows what fiber IS?

How much vacation time do I have left?

Kevin

September 11, 2001
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: What's up?!

Jeez whats with u guys?! Did someone fart in church or something?!

Anyway, cookies in the lunch room courtesy of meeeeee!

~T

September 11, 2001
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: RE: What's up?!

Tina Jefferies has recalled the message "What's Up?!"


September 11, 2001
From:
tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Sorry

I had my iPod in all morning and did not catch the news. Very sorry.

~T

PS

The cookies are still available, but I have moved them to my office. It just seemed inappropriate to leave them out like everything's okay.


February 20, 2002
From: dave@whitehouse.gov
To: heather@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Chin

Do u think anyone else notices the bbq sauce? R they just being nice?

-Dave

(sent from my Blackberry)


February 20, 2002
From: heather@whitehouse.gov
To: dave@whitehouse.gov
Subj: RE: Chin

ROFL just noticed. LOVE how he keeps smacking his lips like he can still taste it there.

-Heather

(sent from my Blackberry)

February 20, 2002
From: heather@whitehouse.gov
To: dave@whitehouse.gov
Subj: BUSTED

WTF?! U r weak sauce. ALWAYS turn ur ringer off before a staff meeting.

-Heather

(sent from my Blackberry)


March 18, 2002
From: lyle@whitehouse.gov
To: thomas@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Code of Conduct

Thomas,

It has come to my attention that you have acted in violation of the White House Staff Code of Conduct yesterday. What you did was inexcusable at a tawdry Mardi Gras celebration, let alone the White House St. Patrick's Day fundraising dinner.

Regardless of their behavior and enthusiasm, rest assured that Jenna and Laura were deeply offended at your request. Please keep 3 - 5pm open on your calendar. We will be meeting with HR.

-Lyle

December 15, 2002
From: alex@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Gift Xchange

Hey all,

I hope everyone is excited about our little in-house Holiday party this year. I hope to see everyone in their best reindeer antlers!

I did want to mention though, just a reminder that we would like to steer clear of controversial gifts for the White (House!) Elephant gift exchange. I'm thinking specifically of last year; whoever brought that copy of Earth in the Balance probably thought it was pretty funny but it really upset some folks.

Keep it Clean!
-Alex


March 4, 2002
From: admin@whitehouse.gov
To: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Security Lockout

Hi Sir,

I did some digging and found out what caused you to get locked out. Looks like someone logged into your account and tried to create a new account named "jeb@whitehouse.gov." Security protocol kicked in and that's why you couldn't log in this morning. Should be fixed!

-Scott


May 2, 2003
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Game over!

Woo hoo! Mission Accomplished is right! Even I didn't think that'd go so quickly!

~T

August 29, 2005
From: admin@whitehouse.gov
To: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Welcome Home

Hi Sir,

I know I might be overstepping my bounds here, but I just wanted to say welcome back. I'm really glad that hand grenade was a dud. I bet you won't be heading back to Tbilisi any time soon, right? Who KNOWS what those weirdos might throw at you next?

Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.

-Scott


August 29, 2005
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Buy an umbrella, already!

Seriously if I see one more dummy crying on TV about how a little rain ruined his day I'm going to go bonkers! If you're like me and you need a little pickmeup, I brought cupcakes! In the break room!

~T

August 29, 2005
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: RE: Buy an umbrella, already!

Tina Jefferies has recalled the message "Buy an umbrella, already!"



October 17, 2007
From: dcheney69@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Newspapers

Anybody caught with a newspaper reflecting the latest Reuters poll will be sent home. I have enough problems running this place without the Chief Executive Grumpy Pants moping around.

-D.C.

PS
I am missing a Bic Ballpoint Pen from my desk. Whoever took it, you have until end of business today to return it. Otherwise, we will have to set up a body search checkpoint at the exits AGAIN.


December 10, 2007
From: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Google

IS THIS TEH GOOGLE?

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