The Missing White House Emails

Recently technicians uncovered 22 million emails from the Bush administration that had somehow gone missing. While legal experts argue over the legitimacy and implications for any sort of lawsuits that may or may not happen, everyone else will be hoping to get a glimpse of the private communication of some of the most powerful people in the world. I got way more fun perusing some of the more "ground-level" staff emails...

February 3, 2001

From: admin@whitehouse.gov
To: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Browsing History

Hello Sir,

I was clearing out the internet histories per protocol and noticed you might still be having some trouble. Again, just to reiterate, our website is whitehouse.gov. When you type in the .com domain name you get a very unseemly and NSFW page. I guess it's not like you could get fired for it or anything, but it could be a PR snafu if word somehow got out. Not that I would ever do that. Oh god, saying I would never do that makes it seem like I would. Okay, nevermind. Forget I said anything.

I thought of a way to remember it: .gov GOOD. See? Also, maybe G for George and .gov. Let me know if you need any help!


April 25, 2001
From: coolkevin@whitehouse.gov
To: cecilia@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Schedule

OMG I just had to clean DC's bathroom for the 3RD TIME this month. This is bs! I seriously can't even re-use this toilet brush. Do you think this guy even knows what fiber IS?

How much vacation time do I have left?


September 11, 2001
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: What's up?!

Jeez whats with u guys?! Did someone fart in church or something?!

Anyway, cookies in the lunch room courtesy of meeeeee!


September 11, 2001
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: RE: What's up?!

Tina Jefferies has recalled the message "What's Up?!"

September 11, 2001
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Sorry

I had my iPod in all morning and did not catch the news. Very sorry.



The cookies are still available, but I have moved them to my office. It just seemed inappropriate to leave them out like everything's okay.

February 20, 2002
From: dave@whitehouse.gov
To: heather@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Chin

Do u think anyone else notices the bbq sauce? R they just being nice?


(sent from my Blackberry)

February 20, 2002
From: heather@whitehouse.gov
To: dave@whitehouse.gov
Subj: RE: Chin

ROFL just noticed. LOVE how he keeps smacking his lips like he can still taste it there.


(sent from my Blackberry)

February 20, 2002
From: heather@whitehouse.gov
To: dave@whitehouse.gov

WTF?! U r weak sauce. ALWAYS turn ur ringer off before a staff meeting.


(sent from my Blackberry)

March 18, 2002
From: lyle@whitehouse.gov
To: thomas@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Code of Conduct


It has come to my attention that you have acted in violation of the White House Staff Code of Conduct yesterday. What you did was inexcusable at a tawdry Mardi Gras celebration, let alone the White House St. Patrick's Day fundraising dinner.

Regardless of their behavior and enthusiasm, rest assured that Jenna and Laura were deeply offended at your request. Please keep 3 - 5pm open on your calendar. We will be meeting with HR.


December 15, 2002
From: alex@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Gift Xchange

Hey all,

I hope everyone is excited about our little in-house Holiday party this year. I hope to see everyone in their best reindeer antlers!

I did want to mention though, just a reminder that we would like to steer clear of controversial gifts for the White (House!) Elephant gift exchange. I'm thinking specifically of last year; whoever brought that copy of Earth in the Balance probably thought it was pretty funny but it really upset some folks.

Keep it Clean!

March 4, 2002
From: admin@whitehouse.gov
To: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Security Lockout

Hi Sir,

I did some digging and found out what caused you to get locked out. Looks like someone logged into your account and tried to create a new account named "jeb@whitehouse.gov." Security protocol kicked in and that's why you couldn't log in this morning. Should be fixed!


May 2, 2003
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Game over!

Woo hoo! Mission Accomplished is right! Even I didn't think that'd go so quickly!


August 29, 2005
From: admin@whitehouse.gov
To: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Welcome Home

Hi Sir,

I know I might be overstepping my bounds here, but I just wanted to say welcome back. I'm really glad that hand grenade was a dud. I bet you won't be heading back to Tbilisi any time soon, right? Who KNOWS what those weirdos might throw at you next?

Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.


August 29, 2005
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Buy an umbrella, already!

Seriously if I see one more dummy crying on TV about how a little rain ruined his day I'm going to go bonkers! If you're like me and you need a little pickmeup, I brought cupcakes! In the break room!


August 29, 2005
From: tina@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: RE: Buy an umbrella, already!

Tina Jefferies has recalled the message "Buy an umbrella, already!"

October 17, 2007
From: dcheney69@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Newspapers

Anybody caught with a newspaper reflecting the latest Reuters poll will be sent home. I have enough problems running this place without the Chief Executive Grumpy Pants moping around.


I am missing a Bic Ballpoint Pen from my desk. Whoever took it, you have until end of business today to return it. Otherwise, we will have to set up a body search checkpoint at the exits AGAIN.

December 10, 2007
From: gbush1946@whitehouse.gov
To: all@whitehouse.gov
Subj: Google


No good deed...

Saturday night Kat and I were driving home from Christmas at my mom's with a car stuffed to the gills with presents. It was storming and we were taking it slow through a driving rain. I mean, like, torrential rain. We were less than five minutes from home when a little dog darted across the street.

Kat hates dogs. Hates them. In fact I've had to ask her in the past to not be so quick to remind my sister how much she hates her dog. But when she saw this little tan puppy in a red plaid sweater running towards an interstate in the freezing rain she said, "We have to help that dog."

So we got out and ran down the pup. She was pretty willing to come in the car; she was a soaking, shivering, muddy mess. We gave her a bath, washed her sweater, and fed her some turkey lunch meat since it was pretty late and I didn't know of a store open. We placed an ad on Craigslist and tried to look up a no-kill shelter, but they all seemed to be closed for the weekend.

So we had a house guest for the rest of the weekend.

And honestly, she was the sweetest dog ever. She never barked, not once. This was especially nice because having a dog in our place would be a violation of our lease; I'm pretty sure the landlord would've understood the circumstances but I didn't want to chance it. She never chewed on anything, never scratched or peed or pooped on anything in the house. She didn't know commands at all, but she was very attentive and obedient when I gave a little tug on her leash (Kat's purse strap) to walk a particular direction or pushed her butt down to sit. She was, it seems, the perfect dog. We completely fell in love with her and talked, somewhat jokingly, about how we could possibly try to keep her.

Monday came and we took her to the APA of Missouri, where they found she had a microchip in her neck. They put in the call to get the contact information (apparently that shit is well protected) and we took her home to wait for her owner to call in. Finally I got the call from APA with a woman's name and number, so I arranged the reunion.

The lady who picked up the dog (who, it turns out, is named Frankie) said Frankie had gotten out of her yard a couple times but usually came back. She thanked us profusely, seemed pretty nice, and when we suggested tags with a phone number she said she had them but hadn't gotten around to putting them on yet.

The next day, approximately 21 hours later, I got a voicemail from the owner telling me Frankie had escaped again. Naturally, she still has no tags since the owner "didn't get around to it." She asked me to give her a call if I saw the dog "while I was out looking for her."

I was pretty galled by her assumption that I would go out looking for her lost dog, but I guess she's right since I did; mainly because I care about that dog more than she does since she took no steps to prevent it from running away again.

This time I didn't find Frankie. I didn't really know where to begin looking, since I still don't know where she actually lives. I can only keep reminding myself that she more than likely came home last night before it got too cold and didn't go too near the interstate.

But if I find her again, I'm keeping her. That lady's too fucking stupid to have a dog.


How the hell did this happen?

I got a new MacBook when I started my new job at the beginning of November. I was digging for an image today I'd saved but couldn't find, so I hit the "All Images" button.

Holy shit.

At first I thought I was somehow sharing someone else's files. There were tons and tons of photos I didn't recognize at all, but then stuff I did recognize started filtering in. Some of it was recent stuff out of my email, a lot of it was really old stuff I didn't know still existed anywhere. I mean, like, three computers ago old. When I was in high school old.

Near as I can tell pretty much all of it is stuff that would've been in my email at one point or another, but some of these things are so old I don't think I had the same email address then.

Does anyone know how this happened? And more importantly how I stop it?

So I've got this doppelganger

I got an email from Facebook the other day:

"Randall Cleveland has added you as a friend!"

Being the suspicious type, I instantly threw my computer out the window and into the windshield of a passing car before it could infect me with some kind of virus. After a lengthy discussion with law enforcement, I logged on to discover that yes, another Randall Cleveland exists and I guess since I have the beard that makes me the evil twin. Aside from that though you'd be hard-pressed to tell us apart. Oh except he's black, too.

Other than that, though, dead ringers.

So I added the guy, and it was adorable seeing the little status update to "Randall Cleveland is now friends with Randall Cleveland," which is something years of therapy have not been able to achieve.

The only problem is he's now posted like four different super Jesusy things on my wall, which I find mildly annoying. It's not so much the Jesus thing, well it kinda is, but for the most part if you want to have imaginary friends I don't begrudge you that. I just don't really appreciate the assumption that I have been waiting for his suggestion to "become a friend of the Bible."

He's also got some Jesus version of Farmville or something because he's always sending me "Saviors." I've just deleted them, but he posts another right away. I don't know if he's trying to bombard me or if he's stumped as to why these things don't show up on my wall after he posts them.

ETA to me and Randall Cleveland not being friends any more? About three more Jesus pictures.


See that little "Next Blog" button up there? Don't bother.

I got bored and tried to find something new and/or interesting by surfing through blogspot using the "Next Blog" button.

I've come to the conclusion that 99.999% of blogs are written by interminable assholes documenting the lives of their babies.

No one gives a shit, man. No one. Not even GRANDPARENTS care that your kid ate a carrot today.

When I have kids it will be a quick footnote to an unrelated blog. Then maybe another update when they move out*.

*I have a 10-year-old daughter. You don't see me bragging.


I was officially censored at work yesterday.

I had to do a one-sentence write-up for this product, Jenga Onyx, which is essentially Jenga with black pieces.

So I wrote: "This is the Jenga game that guilty, white, liberals swear they prefer to play."

The powers that be didn't see the humor, so it got axed.

I'm not really complaining, since it was just a sentence, but I was proud of that joke so I wanted to post it here.