6.05.2009

Office Safari Guide: Issue 2

Today's Office Safari Guide will focus on an animal that may possibly be related to the Know-It-All Douchebag, but has evolved into a new and separate species. I speak of the Done-It-All Douchebag.

Climbed it this morning on my way in to work!

The Done-It-All-Douchebag is on the verge of becoming a black hole of smug self-centeredness. The instant an event or topic is discussed, he (or she) must immediately launch a story about how back in the day that was all he used to do.

If you suspect your office has a Done-It-All Douchebag, here's a simple test to confirm: casually mention within earshot of the suspect that you have won a contest and the prize is a trip into outer space. If you've got a Done-It-All, he'll immediately leap into the conversation and begin telling you how to act and what to wear since, naturally, he was there last year. Back when it was still cool.

He's been a cop. And a movie producer. And a local politician, storm chaser, nude model, CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation, panhandler, goat farmer, Eskimo, nuclear physicist, and superhero. He's also 24 years old.

You can try calling him out on his bullshit, but he's so wrapped up in denial that he's become self-delusional at this point and believes most of what he says, mainly because he practices it in the mirror each morning. He'll quickly find the slowest and most easily impressed members of your office and cement himself as "the cool guy" in that band of misfits. And I say let him have it. You don't want to eat lunch with those mouth-breathers anyway.


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