Office Safari Guide: Issue 1

Now that I'm working in an office again I'm forced to encounter all sorts of personalities I normally wouldn't because, to be honest, I'd avoid them like the plague. Today we're spotlighting the first of those: The Know-it-all Office Douchebag.

Fuck you. I know everything.

The Know-it-all Douchebag believes he has acquired every piece of information ever to exist because, well, he used to barback at this totally awesome club and all kinds of people talked about all kinds of shit there. Seriously dude, like scientists and shit. And I say "he" for brevity's sake, but women are completely and totally capable of being this fucking annoying.

A lack of any real secondary education (sure, he might've ATTENDED a college, but he was too busy getting his "real-world education" at Skanky McShithole's Bar & Grill to pay much attention) coupled with the righteous naivete typically reserved for the YouTube comment boards means this guy heard something about what you're saying, and all he knows is you are wrong because his source had to be right.

So how do you spot a Know-it-all Douchebag versus a person who's just combative or a blatant asshole? Simple: any time the Know-it-all Douchebag is correcting you (hint: it's all the time) he will engage in schoolyard debate tactics in an attempt to lend credibility to his argument. Be prepared to hear a lot of "Well, duh," "Are you even serious," "You don't know anything man," "I guarantee you, man...I guarantee you," and "Yeah? Well I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about." This will also be combined with copious amounts of rolled eyes, heavy sighs, and exasperated tossing of hands toward the heavens.

Unfortunately, if your office has any sort of policy against violence towards co-workers, there's no real satisfactory way to deal with these guys. You can attempt to avoid subjects on which you could argue, but these pathetic creatures are so desperate to prove their superiority that eventually they'll question if you even know your own phone number ("Scienctists say that 84% of people can't even remember it, dude. It's true.") and you'll be forced into a conversation with them.

So far, the only method I've found mildly successful is to blurt out, "I'm probably wrong then," and briskly walk away from the conversation while your opponent shouts for you to come back.

1 comment:

kat said...

That kid looks like a dick, but I covet his sushi.