Proposition: REVENGE

I live in Los Angeles, a city in California, a state which you may have recently read voted to ban same sex marriage.

It's not like people decided "we're not ready for this and we don't want it to start."  It was already legal.  Gay couples had been getting hitched since early May 2008, when the Supreme Court struck down the state's ban on same-sex marriage by arguing that the Constitution protects "a fundamental right to marry," and fundamental rights have to extend to gays too.

Simple enough, right?  People are people, and people get to marry.  I like that idea.

However there are some people who just can't sit idly by while others are enjoying their lives (incidentally, the Prop 8 site ProtectMarriage.com has taken down its list of endorsements.  They will, however, still take your donations.  That's nice of them.) so a new proposition was written to change the State Constitution to read something like (and I'm paraphrasing here) "California only recognizes marriage as a union between a man and woman."

Here's my argument as to why Prop 8 is one of the most bigoted, hateful, and ILLEGAL pieces of legislation ever conceived in this state or any other:  too many people are focusing on the adjective.  The "gay" or "same-sex" part doesn't matter.  Boil the sentence down to its bare parts and here's what you get:  "Prop 8 proposes eliminating the right of ___ people to marry."  That's it.  We're banning PEOPLE from getting married.  What if I changed it to "black people?"  Or "Muslim people?"  Or "Communist people?"  I'd be laughed at and ostracized, and rightfully so.

But thanks to The Church of Latter-Day Saints, who bankrolled literally 77% of the donations for this proposition, Prop 8 was voted into law.

So I and a lot of my friends are upset because now the state says they can't get married.  And California tends to lead the country in passing controversial legislation, so there's a chance that a victory for gay rights here could've trickled east and inspired a few more states to do the same thing.  They might've inspired a few more, and so on until *gasp* we as a country could treat gays like...PEOPLE!  

However, since the precedent has been set, I see this as a great opportunity to turn the tables and start exercising my political agenda as well.  Since the Mormons have shown us that with enough money you can take way people's fundamental rights, I propose that on next year's ballot we vote to prohibit Mormon couples from marrying.

Think about it.  Who's more of a threat to the sanctity of marriage than polygamists?  Even the gays only wanted to marry each other one at a time.  I know they say they've left that quaint little pass-time behind, but once a bigamist always a bigamist, I say.  

It's not about getting revenge on Mormons; that's just an added bonus.  The point is that Mormons, with their polygamist ways, aversion to caffeine, and constant proselytizing throughout the third world, are a genuine risk to normal, right-thinking marriage as we know it.  By god a man should have one wife and one wife only, but they should both be able to drink a god damn cup of coffee if they feel like it.

PS, as long as we're standing up for the sanctity of the American Family, Utah (long the nation's Mormon capital) has higher-than-most rates of spousal abuse, child abuse, and teen suicide.  In fact, according to Utah's Department of Human Services, 50-percent of all marriages will have at least one incidence of physical violence.  So ladies, if you're marrying Mormon, you've got a coin-flip to decide if you're gettin' smacked around or not.  Even if you somehow manage to land heads up, you've still got a 1 in 3 chance of experiencing emotional abuse at the hands of your partner.

So join me in protecting the sanctity of marriage.  When I or one of my volunteers comes to your door, sign the petition to ban Mormons from marrying.  You're voting to protect marriage as we know it; the revenge is just a bonus.