8.04.2008

I was, and possibly am, a horrible person.

For some reason, my phone came with Yahoo Instant Messenger installed. I used to use YIM all the time in college, as it was the IM of choice among most of my friends and Yahoo chat rooms were a great way to completely derail me from finishing a writing assignment.

For better or worse those days are gone; nowadays I have three or four friends (and a few GABbers) who use the thing but honestly calling or texting is just easier. After logging in to my YIM account from my phone I realized I didn't recognize 90% of the names on my list.

So I was deleting old internet friends when someone popped online. I didn't recognize the screen name at all, but it was one of those goofy screen names not at all related to any real name or anything, so I didn't have much to go on. I decided to say hello. Here's the transcript:

Me: Hi. You're on my contact list but I don't know who this is. So...who is this?

Unknown Friend: I don't know why you still have me on your list, I don't have you on mine anymore...

Unknown Friend: anyway, to answer your question, I'm a girl that you assumed to be crazy, ridiculed and made fun of, for no particular reason.

Unknown Friend: I hope everything works out for you, last i heard from you, you were moving away to california. My name is Tara. Have a nice evening.

Then she signed out. I was on my phone and I assume she was at her computer so she was able to rattle off three messages before I could type a response out with my stupid T9 thingy.

So I remember this person. We sort of kind of dated, but really all that ever happened was I would show up at her place, we would watch a movie or something, and make out for awhile. That's it. No sex. No defined relationship. Nada.

I remember when I told her I was moving to California she offered to move with me, because she was eager to change her scenery too. I told her that I already had specific plans (I was going to be crashing on my cousin's couch until I got a job and all) and that bringing someone with me wasn't really an option. I thought it was mutually understood that making out once a week or so wasn't enough on which to base moving 3,000 miles away and living together.

Naturally things got awkward after that and we kind of drifted apart, but I don't remember ridiculing her or any of that other stuff.

And that bums me out, because obviously I really upset her since she's still got this burning in her gut. I mean, I don't think she's carrying this around with her every day and still dwelling on it, but obviously as soon as I popped up it all came back and she had to send me some upset-sounding messages.

I can't for the life of me remember doing anything particularly bad or evil to this woman. And yet, I can't rule it out, either.

I don't have any sort of relationship with many of my exes. I've always been pretty bad at breaking up, either flipping out about things or, if I'm the breaker-upper, opting to just cop out and treat her really badly until she decides to leave me because I'm too wimpy to do the deed myself. I was also pretty good at just completely disappearing.

That sucks. On the one hand, I feel good because I don't think I'm that person any more. On the other hand, it makes me realize how much bad blood I might have generated with people that may or may not be hanging around to this day. And that is upsetting.

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