Eating meat for money.

I recently got tabbed for a freelance bit of comedy writing over at Zug, the World's Only Comedy Site.

The first part is up and live and on the front page of the site, but you can skip the BS and click here to view it as well. No, I don't get a click-through fee.

Let me know what you think, and if you have five seconds to spare, sign up and rate it! Unless you don't like it. Then don't rate it at all and let's forget we ever had this conversation.



From now on I'll save and resize objects before putting them here. Yikes.


There's something different about Garfield...

Garfield Lost in Translation

The gimmick is Garfield comics, which have been running for approximately 300 years without a single funny joke, are translated into Chinese. Then they are translated from Chinese back to English (using Google or Yahoo, they say).

The results?

It's not quite comedy gold, but it's the best Garfield strip I've ever read.

Check out the rest at Garfield Lost in Translation


I was, and possibly am, a horrible person.

For some reason, my phone came with Yahoo Instant Messenger installed. I used to use YIM all the time in college, as it was the IM of choice among most of my friends and Yahoo chat rooms were a great way to completely derail me from finishing a writing assignment.

For better or worse those days are gone; nowadays I have three or four friends (and a few GABbers) who use the thing but honestly calling or texting is just easier. After logging in to my YIM account from my phone I realized I didn't recognize 90% of the names on my list.

So I was deleting old internet friends when someone popped online. I didn't recognize the screen name at all, but it was one of those goofy screen names not at all related to any real name or anything, so I didn't have much to go on. I decided to say hello. Here's the transcript:

Me: Hi. You're on my contact list but I don't know who this is. So...who is this?

Unknown Friend: I don't know why you still have me on your list, I don't have you on mine anymore...

Unknown Friend: anyway, to answer your question, I'm a girl that you assumed to be crazy, ridiculed and made fun of, for no particular reason.

Unknown Friend: I hope everything works out for you, last i heard from you, you were moving away to california. My name is Tara. Have a nice evening.

Then she signed out. I was on my phone and I assume she was at her computer so she was able to rattle off three messages before I could type a response out with my stupid T9 thingy.

So I remember this person. We sort of kind of dated, but really all that ever happened was I would show up at her place, we would watch a movie or something, and make out for awhile. That's it. No sex. No defined relationship. Nada.

I remember when I told her I was moving to California she offered to move with me, because she was eager to change her scenery too. I told her that I already had specific plans (I was going to be crashing on my cousin's couch until I got a job and all) and that bringing someone with me wasn't really an option. I thought it was mutually understood that making out once a week or so wasn't enough on which to base moving 3,000 miles away and living together.

Naturally things got awkward after that and we kind of drifted apart, but I don't remember ridiculing her or any of that other stuff.

And that bums me out, because obviously I really upset her since she's still got this burning in her gut. I mean, I don't think she's carrying this around with her every day and still dwelling on it, but obviously as soon as I popped up it all came back and she had to send me some upset-sounding messages.

I can't for the life of me remember doing anything particularly bad or evil to this woman. And yet, I can't rule it out, either.

I don't have any sort of relationship with many of my exes. I've always been pretty bad at breaking up, either flipping out about things or, if I'm the breaker-upper, opting to just cop out and treat her really badly until she decides to leave me because I'm too wimpy to do the deed myself. I was also pretty good at just completely disappearing.

That sucks. On the one hand, I feel good because I don't think I'm that person any more. On the other hand, it makes me realize how much bad blood I might have generated with people that may or may not be hanging around to this day. And that is upsetting.



Dear Santa,

I promise I'll be so very good...up until I actually have these, at which point I will most likely terrorize some neighbors or something.