9.30.2007

The Best Saturday Night

I'm transferring some older blogs from my myspace account before I delete it. Enjoy this golden oldie, originally posted 9/30/07:

The best Saturday night, in my opinion, is spent hopped up on vicodin and expelling bloody pieces of kidney stone and anonymous tissue via your urethra.

I mean, I could be a whiner and point out the fact that losing my job and getting stranded in Vegas and being too poor to afford gas to get to work should really take me off the kidney stone list, but where would be the fun in that?  Kidney stones it is.

I highly recommend them.  It starts out with the most intense pain you have ever felt in your life.  Like a hot fork is being twisted around in your lower back.  Only it's not a back pain.  It's internal.  And it hurts like Jesus.  Literally.  Watch Passion of the Christ.  I'd go through three of those if it got me out of kidney stones.  Oh PS the pain is also so intense you puke and occasionally lose control of your bladder.

So then you go to UrgentCare and the doctor basically says, "This is going to suck.  A lot.  Here are some drugs that might take the edge off but really, it's going to hurt even worse when they come out."

"How much worse?"

"Like pissing tiny razor blades."

So the vicodin helps the pain centered around your kidneys but there's nothing short of the sweet kiss of a .45 that can take the edge off the unending hell your naughty bits will endure. 
Eventually stuff starts coming out and you start feeling like a sandblaster since you're basically leaving slurry in the toilet with each visit.  And since you're drinking water and cranberry juice like it's your job you'll have to piss roughly every three seconds. 

This might seem like a good idea; hydrate yourself and speed up the process of expelling the stones.  All it really does is ramp up the number of times you have to roll up a wash rag and bite on it while screaming as driveway gravel comes hurling out your urethra.

That's the phase I'm at right now.  I'll let you know if any other phases develop.

9.05.2007

The Worst Weekend Ever: Super Bonus Monday Edition!

I'm transferring some older blogs from my myspace account before I delete it. Enjoy this golden oldie, originally posted 9/5/07:

I woke Monday morning, got a shower, threw my clothes in my bag, checked out via the TV, and had the Fiesta valet call me a cab.  I was eager to get to my car, get it in the shop, and at least find out how much longer I'd be stuck in Vegas.


I had kept my phone off for most of Saturday night and Sunday, partly because my mom was ringing me off the hook worried about me and also because I hadn't packed a phone charger.  I had only planned on a weekend stay, and I had a charger in my car.  So now my phone was almost dead.  I turned it on to check my voicemail:

9.01.2007

The Worst Weekend Ever: Sunday

I'm transferring some older blogs from my myspace account before I delete it. Enjoy this golden oldie, originally posted 9/1/07:

Sunday morning Kat and I woke up to start packing maniacally so we could make our 11a checkout time.  I had some shirts to throw in a bag; Kat was packing her entire life again to move to New York.  I was pretty bummed.
 
We got her things together and I made sure to forget a bottle of cologne and some other stuff in the hotel closet (I just realized that yesterday).  We checked out on time but had four hours to kill before Kat flew out of town and I was stuck, alone, in Vegas.