How to Write for Jezebel

Step 1: Be a woman.
Step 2: Be freshly out of college, or maybe even just a freshman in college, with a focus on Women's Studies.
Step 3: Pick an object. Any object. Write a piece about how that object is actually a vagina.
Step 4: In the aforementioned article, include unrelated, throwaway fluff about how it's all men's fault.
Step 5: Repeat. Ad nauseum.

Interesting statistics.

Four people found my blog by googling "Lions with Wings." I have no idea what they were looking for or what I have on my blog that somehow led them here.

Dear people at crosswalks...

Pushing the crosswalk button a bunch of times doesn't do anything. It doesn't speed up the process, it doesn't fool the light into thinking there are actually 50 people waiting to cross the street, and it doesn't help you make friends with anyone else waiting with you listening to your incessant clacking on the button.

Don't be THAT guy at the gym.

At least re-rack your weights when you're done, Spiderman.

Let's All Go to the Movies!

My wife's out of town for the weekend kicking butt at a singing competition, so I had the house for myself to do whatever I wanted to do. Unfortunately, my lungs decided that meant taking a break from recovering from a horrible cold I've had for two weeks now and developing full-blown bronchitis, so I mostly lied around.

Sunday, though, I decided to see a movie; specifically, Cabin in the Woods. Kat doesn't share my enthusiasm for going to the movies, since she'd rather, y'know, do stuff. Like, outside. When I can convince her to watch a movie with me, the compromise is usually that it's something with minimal violence and scary stuff. She just can't handle it. Not in a "I don't like to be scared" way, either; I'm talking, like actual psychic damage to her soul. She cried at the violence in an episode of Family Guy. So I figured if ever I wanted to see this flick, this weekend would be my best chance.

But first I had to overcome my social anxiety about going to the movies alone. What is it about that? I know I'm not the only one who feels weird about seeing a movie alone, but why? It's passively watching a screen; I do that alone all the time. And it's not like watching a movie is all that social an experience anyway. If you talk to someone during a movie, you're not enjoying a movie. You're an asshole. So whatever, I watched a movie alone and felt like a creepy guy. Such is my emotional baggage.


The movie was good. I kept seeing people talking about the "twist," which I don't really understand because A) the "twist" is explained in the opening five seconds, and B) I'm familiar with The SCP Foundation, which I feel like Joss Whedon pretty blatantly ripped off. I hope they at least got some kind of royalty. But I'm not even gonna talk about the movie. Go see it if you're into scary movies. It's good.


I missed a 15-minute portion, though, because a severely drunk, belligerent, apparently-homeless guy of indeterminate Southeast Asian origin (Indian? Pakistani? I didn't get to ask) stormed into the dark theater screaming at...someone. He dragged two or three ushers in with him and charged up the stairs to a row behind me and began wading through the increasingly-alarmed crowd screaming obscenities and insulting a woman about something. He also kept screaming "I STOP THIS WHOLE MOVIE NOW!" Between that and all the F-bombs and outbursts of "whore" and various insults, it didn't take long for him to agitate a lot of the dudes there with dates and either feeling threatened or required to impress their ladies into standing up and shouting back.


While three extremely-overwhelmed teenage ushers repeatedly radioed in for security, three of the bigger patrons stood up and manhandled this guy (and his three or four shopping bags, I guess he stopped to pick up a few things on his way in) out the theater. The whole way he screamed things like, "Fuck you!" and the good Samaritans would respond, "NO, FUCK YOU!" as if trying to shout down a guy like that is ever going to convince him of the error of his ways.


He was tossed out and eventually everyone settled down after briefly directing their built up anger on one guy who kept yelling at the projectionist to rewind the movie.


At least I got a free pass to come back and see another movie for free.