1.28.2015

Call me an old softie...

But I'm still a sucker for a grand romantic gesture.


This is like pure, triple-distilled desperation. Guys, this isn't some kind of noble gesture. This is weird, predatory grossness. 

 I believe every girl deserves a second chance and I want to be the guy who gives it to you.

Honestly I feel like if you're the kind of person to write this, you're beyond any explanation as to why it's so fucking terrible. But the whole "kindness of strangers" thing should extend to smiling politely or maybe holding the door for the person behind you. "I'll capitalize on what may be a severe low point in your life and hope you're desperate enough to give me a chance" is not a kindness. It's fucking creepy.

Props to the guy for that 30-60 day expiration date though. Wouldn't want to come off as too needy.

1.22.2015

We're Living in the Future

I dish out more than my fair share of snark and sarcasm and bitter resentment towards anyone I judge to be more successful than me, but sometimes you just have to appreciate the world we live in. For instance, a blind guy can see now:




If that doesn't melt whatever cold dead thing sits in place of your heart, I don't know what will!

(and yes I'm jealous because I'm trying to figure out an analogous experience to seeing for the first time in 20 years and coming up blank)

12.03.2014

OMG Twitter Stop Being Such a Starfucker


No, I don't know the guy. And even if I did it would be super rude for you to ask me to introduce you for no good reason like that. Just be cool, man. No one likes a desperate social media platform.

10.28.2014

10.25.2014

Badvertising: "I sentence myself to die?"

I guess my complaining about rats in my attic and web searches for pest removal have triggered some sort of cookie that leads to me seeing a ton of ads for Tomcat rat poison, like this one (you might have to click it to enlarge):



I have kind of a visceral revulsion at tracking like this, but I realize I'm basically fighting the tides at this point. So whatever, at least killing rodents is slightly more relevant to my interests than day-glo blazers. But what the fuck is going on with this ad?

There is another variation of this with a little mouse in a cowboy hat who, I think, shoots himself dead. He gets little cartoon Xs over his eyes and everything. I sort of dismissed it out of hand, but when I saw this bizarre take on rodent criminal justice I paused, with a lot of questions in my mind.

What sort of schizophrenic pitch is this? 
Why is the mouse wearing a barrister's wig? 
Oh, wait, I guess he's wearing it because he's an actual mouse barrister. 
Okay, well why the fuck is the mouse a barrister? 
Why would he sentence himself to die? 
What did this mouse do that was so horrible and malevolent that he not only fell from the grace of his position in the high court of, presumably the UK, but was also compelled to sentence himself? 
How could he have possibly been so overwhelmed with grief, shame, and guilt as to condemn himself to die? 
Is that even allowed? 
Surely he would have to recuse himself from mouse court, right? 
Why would mouse court still abide by the death penalty in this day and age?
What other sorts of crimes would mouse court preside over?

You'll notice none of those questions was "Where do I get Tomcat rodent poison?"