7.22.2015

Seriously FB Ads?


Only $8.93! Complete a wardrobe for the burgeoning Batman villain in your life today!

7.15.2015

I Seriously Just Had this Actual Conversation

"You coming to this meeting?"

"I have a different meeting on the phone."

"Oh. Anything I can do to help?"

"With a phone call? Nah I'm good."

"Okay well if you decide you need something, I'll be in the conference room in that other meeting."

"Yeah. Got it."

"Just keep your head up and your stick on the ice."

"It's a phone call."

"Well let me know if you need any help."

IT'S A PHONE CALL YOU DINGUS.

6.15.2015

Hey Now: You are No Longer an All Star

Henry Rollins does a bit (yes, I was the disillusioned white 20-year-old guy buying Henry Rollins' spoken word CDs--shut up) about how for him, hell would be doing his famous "Liar" song, Vegas-lounge-act-style, into his 50s, 60s, etc. 

I've got to imagine that option seems preferable to the dude from Smashmouth right about now.


Side note: in college my pal Ryan did some video project and I was in it. After he presented it to his class he told me several people commented that I looked like the singer from Smashmouth. 

It threw me into a deep depression so dark that just remembering that story and writing it down made me sad again.

5.19.2015

Mental Break In

Imagine yourself in the following situation: it's late. So late it's actually early. You're sound asleep under the warm, snuggly covers. You're in the middle of one of those sleepy roll overs where you're awake for like a half second as you get into an even more snuggly and comfortable position. All you hear is the soft breathing of your spouse next to you.

CLICK

What was that? You snap to alertness for a split second before you chuckle to yourself. Nothing. Of course it was nothing! Probably some electronic device or the furnace or whatever cycling on or off. You glance at the clock: 4:25am. Perfect. You can probably snag another complete REM cycle before it's time to wake up. You close your eyes and begin to drift off.

And then you hear shit in your bathroom falling off the shelf and clattering around on the floor.